About being a writer and about quality of living

I've recently found out that I have a whole new group of readers. Welcome! I hope you enjoy the insights into my twisted mind. Haha. ;)

When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer. I still have this dream of writing a bestselling novel - or not even a bestselling one, just one that gets published. ;)
When I write, I don't really think about my readers. I mean, yes, I want people to read it. But I learned quickly that if you spend too much time thinking about what people will think about your writing - or you - you'll never be able to write anything. But then it sometimes comes as a shock to me, when someone comments on something I've written - because I completely forgot that people actually read what I write.

As a college student, I was on the editorial board of our student newspaper and wrote a column (yes, my Student Affairs-y column). And in spite of the hours we put into this paper and all the different places we dropped off copies (and yes, I had to help with delivery sometimes - not my favorite part of the job), it was still always a surprise when people commented on my articles or especially my column. You write those things and you put them out there for the world to read - and you want the world to read them - but then to think that they actually read it!!! I mean, people actually have an interest in what I have to say!?! (Whether it may be to agree or to make fun of me...either way, they're taking what I'm saying seriously; they're spending their free time on reading something that I wrote - I mean that's all a writer can ask for, isn't it?) It's kind of overwhelming and amazing and scary - all at the same time.

I remember at my previous institution (and I think I actually talked about that in my blog), I posted a column I had written as a college student about looks and eating disorders. I disclosed in the blog that I'm not always happy with how I look. I have those days where I wake up and I try on three different outfits and hate the way I look in all of them. That was my intro before talking about how media and society can affect how we think about our looks. My students read it - most liked it, agreed with it - but several of them commented on how they couldn't believe that I had actually posted that and disclosed this information about myself. But here's the thing - writing, like music and art, doesn't mean anything unless it comes from the heart. You have to let people in; you have to let them see you - that's what art is all about, isn't it?

Anyway, enough about writing...

I was also recently asked a very interested question - whether I was sick of living in a residence hall. I don't think I am. I'm fine with being available to students - I enjoy working with students. I don't mind the late phone calls and having to respond to emergencies in the middle of the night (not that I'll ever complain about not getting called one night). But I guess I wish I had a little more privacy. It's not the LIVING in the residence hall; it's the having to walk through the lobby - especially a lobby with a welcome desk that's staffed 24-hours a day. It just makes me feel like I'm being watched. If I go out with friends on a Saturday night and don't come back until very late, I know people will take note of that and will comment on it. If I want to have friends over and maybe bring in some alcohol (and we all know I don't drink but sometimes it's just nice to be able to offer a couple beers or some other drink when you're hanging out with friends), I have to sneak it in hidden in some bag as if I was an underage student violating a law - or if I don't do it, I know staff/students will comment/complain about it. at my previous institution - even though I had to walk through the lobby to get to my apartment, it wasn't that bad because at least there wasn't staff there 24 hours a day; and the chances of running into students was relatively small because students would much rather hang out in lounges or rooms than the lobby (at least at night).

I guess I just wish I had an outside entrance to my apartment. I mean, I get that in old building it's hard to add those; but please, for all of you there who're in positions where you have a say in the layout of new buildings being built, add an outside entrance for your hall directors. It'll increase their quality of living SO MUCH!!!

Good Quote..

This quote was the Twitter status of one of my friends: "The reason they want you to fit in is that once you do, then they can ignore you." - Seth Godin

Just something to think about...

I don't want "just a job"

A lot of people are trying to convince me that a job is just a job. You just go - from 9-5 or whatever your hours are - do what you have to do and that's it. And when you disagree with things at work, you shrug it off and move on.

But I don't want that. I don't want "just a job." I want to do something that I can believe in. Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm an idealistic liberal - haha - but that's me. I can't do things that I don't believe in.

I got into Student Affairs because I want to have a positive impact on students' lives. I want students to reflect on their experiences and learn from them. I want to support my students through their transition from high school to college. I want to create situation that will challenge my students to question their values and beliefs.

I don't want to just throw amazing facilities at my residents. Great facilities look good on an admissions brochure but it's the experience students have that will keep them in college and will encourage them to stay in on-campus housing.

The institution I work at is trying to attract academically stronger students. Great Housing facilities aren't going to do that. But having living learning communities, giving students the opportunity to connect with professional staff and faculty, allowing students to take ownership in their communities and truly shaping it to be the type of community they want - that will attract academically stronger students. At least that would have attracted me.

Oops, I think I went off on a tangent. I was talking about wanting not "just a job." There's a lot of things I could have done - I studied journalism as an undergraduate and I liked working for newspapers, but I didn't feel like that was the best way for me to reach people. I loved writing columns - I did that for our student newspaper for three semesters - because I could encourage my peers to reflect on their values and beliefs. I've recently looked back at these columns and let me tell you, they're very "Student-Affairs-y" as I like to call it. But would I have been able to make a living writing columns? Questionable. And I like having some human interactions; I'd probably go crazy just hiding in a newspaper/magazine office all day.

Last year, I wrote an article for a Student Activities magazine and was later asked by their editor if I was interested in working for them - basically I could have gone out to find new talent (bands, comedians, other entertainment) and that write about them. I thought about it for a few minutes, but I really didn't want to leave the college environment. I've started thinking about this again. I love music and theater and all that stuff - and I love traveling. But would I really be having a positive impact on anyone's experience? Maybe the entertainers that I promote...LoL...but would that really satisfy me? I don't know. I'd probably have to find some hobby that'd allow me to get the feeling of having a positive impact on society.

One of my favorite books is "Little Lord Fauntleroy." There's a quote in the book (I read the book in German, so this is just me translating what I remember...); it's something the mother of the little Lord tells him when he finds out that he's a Lord and is thinking about all the responsibility that comes along with being a Lord... "Just make sure that the world is a little bit better because you lived in it."

That's what I want. I want the world to be a little bit better because I lived in it.

The moments that make this job worth it...

Recently a student stopped me in the hallway because he wanted to talk. I'm not sure how much I was able to help him, but in the end he gave me a hug and thanked me.

It felt so good to finally talk to a student again and even though I wasn't able to help much, I think he appreciated just being able to talk through what was going on and discuss different strategies. THIS is why I got into Student Affairs. I just wish those moments hadn't become so rare.

Lack of motivation

So I'm trying to figure out some new way to motivate myself for work. I'm sick of waking up in the morning and thinking, "I wish I didn't have to go to work today" or sitting in the office thinking, "Is it 5 pm yet?"

I was thinking, last year, I did this Invisible Children Challenge. It was a huge undertaking and totally took over my life. But it was a lot of fun. And I've learned from it and could probably pull off an even more successful challenge this time around. And it'd give me the chance to organize another large-scale event and feel like I'm having some positive impact.

I don't know. I'll have to think about this some more....

RAs say the funniest things....

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been very frustrated with my job and this department. I just feel like a puppet - I'm being told what to do and I have no say in how to supervise my RAs or how to run my building. I'm basically asked not to think - and I work in EDUCATION!!!
I said something to our director about roommate conflicts and how I don't think students should be sent straight to our assignment person and he responded that he just wanted to take this "administrative" task away from the Area Coordinator. WHAT??? Since when are roommate conflicts an administrative task? Well, they are, if you don't do any mediation and just let students move whenever they want.

Anyway - so last week, at our regular RA in-service (extra training sessions every other Friday), we wanted to do a Town Hall Meeting to get the RAs' feedback about the RA position and their experience. But the speakers before (our Assistant Director and Associate Director) went over [going over stuff that we could have easily discussed in a staff meeting, but that's a whole other story...my staff was super frustrated though]....so we finally get to the end of their presentation and there's 15 minutes left. I ask our Assistant Director if we should just skip the Town Hall Meeting and do it some other time when we'll actually have a significant amount of time for it - but oh no, I was told that we'd just get started anyway. It really felt like she just wanted to get it over with. And instead of just letting us get started, she gives this whole speech on how we don't want complaining but only constructive feedback and how there are certain things about the job that will never change. Then we break up into smaller groups. I look at my watch. There's barely 10 minutes left. I just right into it and the RAs had a lot to say. Initially I tried to stick with the questions we'd come up with but with the limited amount of time that really didn't work. So I just opened up the table for discussion and let them talk. At 4 pm, I told the RAs they could leave if they wanted to but that I'd stick around if they had more feedback to share. And several of them did....

Two days later, I went to dinner with two of my RAs and we ended up talking a little bit about the Town Hall Meeting. They were frustrated that it'd been so short. One of them also shared that since she'd been in the group facilitated by our Assistant Director, she didn't feel comfortable sharing any of her feedback - especially because after that little speech our Assistant Director gave.

And here comes the best moment....
Some of the RAs brought up that they wanted there to be more consistency (as if we don't have enough departmental rules already...argh) - the biggest complaint is that some halls have to change door decs more often than others and that the deadlines for bulletin boards and door decs aren't the same. Who cares!?!?! So my RA goes, "Well, if everything was exactly the same in every building, then we wouldn't even need Area Coordinators. The department could just tell us what to do and that'd be it."

Wow. He couldn't have said it any better. That's EXACTLY how I've been feeling already - with all the consistency and rules and policies that we have. Why am I here???? And why did I get a Master's degree when I'm not allowed to use any of the knowledge and experience I've gained???

Students & RAs

The last few days have been filled with programs...

On Wednesday, the new Invisible Children organization had its first big event - a showing of The Rescue with Invisible Children roadies. Since I've worked with Invisible Children before, I helped the organization out a little bit - and of course attended this first big event. It was amazing!!! They had over 100 people attend. We ran out of room and had to bring chairs from another room into the section of the ballroom that they were using for the showing. After the showing, the roadies explained how students could get involved and help Invisible Children rescue Joseph Kony's child soldiers. And students stuck around, signed the Citizens Arrest Warrant cards, bought merchandise and asked for more information about Invisible Children. I was so proud and excited for the new Invisible Children organization. What a great way to start the organization!!!

Tonight, I was at a Fine Arts Showcase for Students for the Advancement of the Arts. I'm their advisor. The group wants to support arts education in public schools - raise awareness to funding problems and make sure all children have access to fine arts education. The goals of the showcase was to get the word about the organization out there, connect community groups and the student organization, and start raising awareness for the lack of funding for public school arts programs. We had seven performers and one artist who submitted paintings; there were also three speakers - two UNF faculty member and someone from a local community organization. We didn't necessarily fill the auditorium and we had some technical difficulties during a dance performance (the CD started skipping), but overall the event went well - especially for a first event. I was proud of my students and I'm excited to see where they'll go from here.

But not all events this week made me proud. Yesterday was College Prom, an event organized by an RA committee. I don't directly work with this committee but I decided to make an appearance to show support for my colleagues and the RAs who had worked on this event. I showed up fashionably late. When I got to the Multi Purpose Room where the event was being held, I saw several groups of RAs standing/dancing together. Off to the side were two residents. And that was it. The residents weren't dressed up because they hadn't known this event was going on - they'd just heard the music and came to check it out. I went over to the residents and started talking to them. We ended up dancing together. I suggested we go over to the group of RAs and join them - the girls agreed - we walked over there and... we couldn't get into the circle. The RAs seemed to have no interest in letting these residents join their group.
Yes, two RAs went over to the residents later and talked to them for a bit - but overall, the focus of the RAs wasn't to get residents involved. They seemed perfectly happy having an "RA Social."
Argh! This is exactly why I'm frustrated with our department. Yes, we want to be RA-focused but we need to remember that in the end we are here for residents!!!

Starting over

Things haven't been going so well with my RA staff this semester. Several of them have gotten written warnings. I hadn't been able to establish the best relationships with some of them. Staff meeting were usually painful.
I think part of it was that I've felt very confined in how the departments wants me to supervise RAs. Everything seems to be mandated - staff meetings every week (we have to ask our supervisor when we want to cancel a staff meeting), weekly one-on-one meetings. If an RA wants to miss an in-service (regular training workshops for all RAs), they have to go to my supervisor to ask for permission, not me - and it's usually a no. When I gave my RAs the written warnings, my supervisor decided to also pull them into the office and talk to them. And and and. I just haven't felt like I've actually had the opportunity to SUPERVISE my staff. It feels like I'm just here following the department's orders, without being allowed to think for myself.
But anyway, so between that, my frustrations with the department and just the RA staff that I've inherited, things haven't been going well.

Last week, I decided it was time to start over. My supervisor had "offered" (or really highly recommended) that she could come to my staff meeting and have a conversation with my staff. I didn't feel like that would be helpful - AT ALL - as that would just confuse my staff more about who is actually their supervisor. If I can't get their respect on my own, I can quit right now. (But that's not what our department wants - supervisor who actually work with their RAs and earn their respect - we're just supposed to be puppets that do whatever our supervisor tells us to do...haha...okay, going off on a tangent.)
Anyway, I decided to talk about the job responsibilities (with a handout based on the job evaluation) and either had them discuss the job responsibilities and why they were important, review policies and procedures, write a quick paragraph about how they've been working on a certain aspect of the position, share strategies, etc. After that, we talked about our staff dynamics, since there's also been a lot of issues between different staff members. There was an open floor where they could bring up any issues they had - and some of them used that to share some of their frustrations with me (some justified, some not so much - but at least they got it out) and finally we shared what we liked about the staff team (to end on a positive note).

That was a week ago. Tonight's staff meeting was a lot better. The atmosphere was more relaxed. RAs actually participated in discussions. It also helped that we didn't have much to talk about and got done after a little more than an hour.
So maybe things are getting better.... at least with my staff. (I'm still not feeling much better about the department, but that's another story for another day.)

How important are your values?

I've been struggling with a question recently. How important are your values and beliefs? More specifically, how important is it that your values and beliefs match those of the department and institution you work for?

Because I'm not so sure that I've found a "perfect fit" here when it comes to my values and beliefs. Let me give you some examples.
I believe in non-positional leadership. I mean, after all, I taught a class on that and led a living learning community that was based on non-positional leadership. But I'm working for a department that's set up very hierarchical; I work for a director who doesn't believe that non-positional leadership work.
I also believe in focusing on our students' experience and what they learn and gain from being a member of our community. But I'm stuck in an office from 9 am-5 pm - not hours that are very conducive to my students' schedule - and when I talked to my supervisor about struggling with balance, I was told that I could stop going to so many programs at night and spending less time with Area Council and the Residence Hall Association...basically cutting down on the time I'm spending with my students. I'm told that the RAs need to be my focus, but even with the RAs, we waste time on social functions and rarely talk about what they're learning from this experience.

So what do you do when you realize that the department you picked isn't that "perfect fit"?