This and that

I wanted to blog tonight but I can't decide what to write about.

We've been doing interviews for an ACUHO-I intern and I've struggled with answering some of the candidates' questions. I mean, you don't want to give them a wrong impression about what the internship and the institution is like - but you also have a responsibility to the institution of presenting it in a positive light - and just because this isn't a good fit for me, doesn't mean it won't be a good fit for someone else.

I read the blog of a former student and it really touched me and made me want to cry.

I've been struggling finding time to do the things I enjoy doing - my free time just seems to be non-existent. I started taking dance lessons and I've been trying to go anywhere between two to four times a week. But often that means skipping a meal, so I can squeeze in the dance class between work and meetings. Then I end up snacking throughout the evening and stuff my face with chocolate late night, which kind of defeats the purpose of working out, messes up my diet...and I end up stressing over gaining weight again.
I also don't seem to be able to find time to study for the GREs and I'm starting to think it's more and more unrealistic to take those at the end of April before I leave the country. The last couple days, I didn't get around to studying until after 11:30 pm - and then I'm so tired (since I've started getting up at 7 am, so I can go running prior to work) that I can't concentrate. I've been falling asleep with my glasses on and the GRE book in my hand.
Oh and let's not even talk about me trying to find time to practice playing the guitar.... maybe this summer or next year, I'll actually be able to focus on that.

I had a conversation today that really upset me. I know I shouldn't take things so much to heart - especially when they come from someone who doesn't know me and clearly hasn't taken the time to get to know me as a professional. But it hurts. My dear grandma always said that wrong accusations don't hurt - sorry, grandma, but you're wrong - they hurt; they hurt A LOT.

A Vice-President of Student Affairs once shared a technique about how he makes sure that his work fits his values. He said that he values spending time with students - even at a high-level position such as the VP of Student Affairs. So he regularly looks at his calendar and checks how much time he's spending on administrative tasks, how much time he's spending with professional staff and how much time he's spending with students - and if there isn't enough time he spends with students, he knows he needs to change something.

I value student learning and development; I value being cutting-edge, trying new things, working toward improvements and changes - but there isn't any time on my calendar that's focused on that. There isn't time in meetings that we spend talking about these things. We talk about facilities, about administrative processes. And I want to change that but I don't know how....

Dumbledore (shout-out to all you Harry Potter fans out there! I just re-read all HP books; even the 10th time, they're just as amazing as the first time I read them) - he said, "Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young." I hope when I'm in a leadership position in a Residential Education department I'll remember how it felt to be an entry-level professional. In the end, Harry was the one who had to save the day...Dumbledore was there to guide and lead him but Harry was the one on the front of tandem bike (yay, learning partnership model!) - I never want to sit on the front of that bike.

I could do with a hug right now. I have friends that I can vent to. But who wants to be that person who always just vents and complains - nobody would want to be friends with someone like that.

So on to happier things....

My plans for the summer are starting to take shape. It'll be a whirlwind of all the things I love to do - quality time with my best friends in Austria...iced tea, girls' night...a wedding...then a trip to India...quality time with friends from undergrad...traveling...another wedding...new experiences.
I still can't believe it....what am I saying - "it?" - there are so many things I can't believe.

My friends are really getting married? Shoot, I'm getting old. Ha. I remember when we were in elementary school together - well, the bride's hair cut hasn't changed much since then (haha...just kidding...I love you!)...it feels like yesterday and also a lifetime away.
And I'm going to INDIA!!! I mean, how freakin' cool is that? Just saying. ;)

Awww, is it summer yet?

The joys of moving

In our field, we move a lot. It's considered getting a well-rounded experience when you move to different regions, work at different institutions. Yes, there's some people who stay in the same region - some even at the same institution - but many of us, especially as new professionals, move around.

I never minded much. I like traveling - so moving to a new region is kind of exciting. :) But it has its downsides, on a personal level it makes it hard to stay in touch with friends or build really close friendships, there's also a lot of random crap you have to take care of every time (like getting a new driver's license, etc.)... but even on a professional level, it can have its drawbacks.

I'm preparing an RHA delegation for our upcoming state conference. But my RHA is relatively new; my NCC is new; they didn't go to a conference last year. And I've never been to a state conference here - I've never even been in a region that has state conferences. So while I have a lot of RHA experience, I don't really know what to expect here. Is there a roll call? A banner competition? How much do schools get into this conference? How much do they dress up for the banquet? Who knows!?! I've tried to get my NCC to connect with the NCC from our partner school - but I'm not sure she's followed through on that yet. I've e-mailed the conference staff with a few questions but I know they have a lot of other things going on right now, so I don't want to bug them.

I mean, we'll figure it out - but it's just so much harder when you don't know the region. In grad school, I helped a really small RHA grow and took them to their first conferences. But that was in my home region - that's where I knew what to expect and what to do to prepare them - ha, we even managed to win the banner competition at our very first conference.

Yeah, moving can definitely make things harder. And let's not even get me started on the joys of packing and unpacking....

Job Search #3

I've mentioned that I have come up with the "perfect plan" for my life - or at least the next few years. I didn't want to go into detail back then because I hadn't told people at work yet - but now it's official; I turned in my letter of intent - so now I can fill all of you in.

I've decided to leave my current institution at the end of the year. It just wasn't exactly what I'm looking for - professionally and personally. I always questioned if there is something like a "good fit" or the "perfect fit" - well, I'm still not sure if the "perfect fit" really exists but there's definitely not good fits.

So here's the plan. I've applied for Semester at Sea. If you don't know what that is: it's a floating a university; a university on a cruiseship that travels around the world. Students, faculty and staff - everyone lives on the ship. You stop in various countries and get a couple days to explore those.

I love traveling; I've started to get antsy. I used to travel more when I was still in high school and my family and I would go on long trips during every school break. I miss that. I want to travel again!!!

And then I really Semester at Sea's philosophy of working with students. I mean, a job description that talks about student learning and development, learning outcomes, continuously improving programs, .... I mean, doesn't that just sound like the perfect job for me?

I'm so nervous. I really really really want to do this!!!! So please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm not really sure what I'd do in the Spring semester yet - maybe take some time off and travel on my own. I still want to go to grad school for my Ph.D. starting Fall 2011 - so I'd probably need to spend some time in the Spring interviewing for grad programs and assistantships. And maybe I could spend some time with friends...

We'll see what happens. Right now, I just need some adventure in my life. I feel like, I've always done the "responsible" thing. I went straight from high school to college to grad school to my first job to my second job. I worked most summers starting as a college student. Yeah, I had fun along the way but there's so many other things I wish I could have done as well. And I'm sick of looking back and regretting things.

I've been thinking about Semester at Sea forever - but there's never a "convenient" semester to do it. I mean, what will I do with my car? Where will I put all my belongings? I can't bring them home to Austria - that'd be ridiculously expensive. I don't have a place here to store them.
But you know what, if I don't do this - or at least try my best to get this job - I'm going to regret it....

[But yes, I am doing to the "responsible" and am not just counting on Semester at Sea. I've applied for a few other positions as well and will continue to look for some. I'm not sure.... Part of me just wants to take the year off (if Semester at Sea doesn't work out) and travel on my own - maybe go to Australia; I've always wanted to do that... but then, is that the "responsible" thing to do? Oh man, even when I try to stop being responsible, I can't. Ha. So I guess I'll take you along on my third job search - a quite selective search but still a search.]

Life Unexpected

I just watched the premiere of Life Unexpected, a new show on the CW. I really just wanted to check it out because I love Shiri Appleby. I fell in love with her when she was in Roswell (if you haven't seen that show, seriously, you should watch it - so good!!! Yes, it's about aliens but deep down it's really about fitting in, insecurities, relationships and all that good stuff).

Anyway, I think I'm hooked on a new show. Life Unexpected is about a 15-year-old girl who's been growing up in foster care but now finds her real parents (who had her when they were teenagers and therefore gave her up for adoption). The mom (played by Shiri) is pretty messed up herself - she doesn't trust anyone, pushes people away - but at the end of the show, he decides that she's going to take care of her daughter and that she's going to "grow up" with her. That made me think...

When do we truly grow up? Are we ever truly "done" growing up?

When our students come to college, we tell them that they are now adults and that we will treat them as adults. But we don't really... They still have that safety net of the RAs and the professional staff in the hall. When we document someone for drinking and send them through the judicial system, we give them more chances, we try to be educational; we protect them from the consequences that would exist out in the "real" world. I'm not saying I'm against that - but it shows that you're clearly not done "growing up" when you're in college. I mean, we all know how much you change while you're in college - how you learn and ... well, GROW.

Are you done growing up after college? Not really. You may rent that first apartment or buy a car - but usually your parents are still around helping you with these things - or even if you have to do them on your own, you probably have no idea what you're doing and are just learning as you go.

When you're little, you think by the time you're a college graduate, you have it all figured out.

Ha. I definitely I didn't. I still don't really think I got it all figured out. I mean, look at me, I'm still struggling with figuring out what I want to do next, where I want to live, whether or not I want to have a family (hmmm, can you really plan that? I mean you kinda have to find a partner for that, don't you? And you can't really force that - or maybe you can [by joining online sites, going out, "putting yourself out there"] but do I really want that? Doesn't that feel forced? And fake?)

There's just so many questions that I don't have an answer to. When I was in college, I thought I had it all figured out. I "knew" what I wanted. Maybe growing up means realizing that you don't know what you want. That life will throw unexpected things at you and hardly ever turns out the way you thought.

As Socrates said, "I know that I know nothing."

Trust?

Are you the professional who trusts her staff to do their job or are you the one who checks up on them?

I want to trust; I do trust. It's impossible to always be there and check up on your staff - as Hall Directors, we aren't present when our students are having conversations with their residents, we can't go to all events and corridor meetings, we can't check up on them during every office hours, we don't do rounds with our staff during duty shifts, etc. We have to trust; there's no other way. But then something happens and suddenly you start questioning that trust - and suddenly you're not just question whether or not your staff did that one thing, you start to question everything....

Yes!!!

Today was our Residence Hall Association Executive Board Retreat.

RHA here isn't a very big or well-established organization. I've spent countless hours last semester trying to build up the organization; but it was a struggle. We hosted two programs - both of which went pretty well - but I was still doing a lot of things that an advisor really shouldn't be doing. I don't like having to be a very hands-on advisor; I prefer sitting back, letting the students run their organization and then challenge them in 1:1's and Exec Board meetings to reflect on how things are going and what they're learning. But last semester, we just weren't there. I found myself running meetings at time, taking care of a lot of the little details for programs and and and.

This semester, we wanted to start off fresh. We've added three new Exec Board members and I insisted on having an Exec Board retreat to start us off on the right foot. But it didn't start off too well...one of my Exec Board members sent me an e-mail Saturday to tell me that she was resigned (she got an internship - so I'm really excited for her but it still sucks losing her as an Exec Board member). One of my other Exec members told me that she couldn't make it (even though I emphasized over and over again how important this was; called it mandatory and and and) and one Exec member I never heard from (he didn't show up either...I have a feeling he's not coming back to RHA). But then, the meeting turned out great. There were only four students and me but we had a good conversation and we made some plans for the semester. We also split up tasks and talked about our roles and expectations of each other.

My favorite part was when we talked about the advisor's role. The students said I should be a safety net for them and then one of them added that my role should be even more minimal than it was last semester. She said that I'd gotten stuck with doing more things than I really should have to and that they need to learn to take care of those things on their own. YAY!!!

It's not that I don't want to do work. I'll always be there to help them when they need me. But it's great to know that they get the role of an advisor and that they want to take initiative.

I know this is going to be the best semester RHA has ever seen at this school. :)

1 Week down, 16 more to go

I've made it through the first week of the new semester. It was a short week for me since I was sick Monday and Tuesday and didn't go into the office. (I felt the need to clarify that I was sick AND didn't go into the office because if you know me, you know that in the past I probably would have been sick but would still gone to the office. Haha. But then again, in past years, going to the office meant walking into the next room and opening the door - totally enabling for a workaholic like me to show up in the office even when I was sick - now that I have to dress up and walk to across campus, even I take sick days. Maybe it also has to do with the fact that I've become a lot less of a workaholic here....)

The weird thing is that, even though I only spent three days in the office, it feels like I've been back at work forever. I'm back in the routine - hitting the snooze button in the morning because I just don't want to get up, standing in front of my closet for five minutes because I can't decide what to wear (I miss those days when I could wear jeans to work...I just feel more comfortable in jeans; it's more me), then the hours in the office where I'm trying to be productive in between meetings but always feel like I don't really get anything accomplished, and then the excitement when 5 o'clock rolls around and it's time to go home. And then (because that's what Residence Life is like), the evening meetings or programs or being on-call. I didn't really mind those in the past but this year, these evening commitments have been draining me. I'm trying really really hard to limit the number of evenings I have to work. I have RHA meetings on Monday; Area Council and Staff Meetings on Tuesday. I'm trying to keep Wednesdays my night off - we'll see how that goes - there's already two Wednesdays this month when I'll have to work (a program and staff development). And then Thursday I'm on-call.

How are you supposed to have a life when you work every night? I'm trying so hard to have a life this semester. I've blocked off time on my schedule for my dance fitness classes. I'm going to take guitar lessons (here, I said; now I really have to do it...haha). And then I will start studying for the GREs. Yes, I've decided it's time to go back to school - not quite yet - I'm hoping to start Fall 2011. But that means starting to do some grad school research now. I'd love to take the GREs at the end of this semester, so I can focus on applying to programs over the summer/next Fall.

What do I want to go to grad school for? Ha. Student Affairs, of course. I want to get my doctorate. I miss learning. I miss talking about student development and student learning. I miss thinking about things, reflecting on my experiences - on my students' experiences.

At first, I was a bit scared. I'm still not 100 percent sure I'm ready for a doctorate program. All the reading, the research, and and and. But then I started looking into programs - thinking about my research interests - and I got excited. I think I really want to do this.

After getting my doctorate, I want to go back to work - maybe as a higher-level administrator in ResLife or Orientation or Student Activities - maybe something in a Dean of Students or VP's Office; who knows. I could also see myself teaching at a Higher Ed program one day - molding the minds of future Student Affairs professionals. No matter what, I know I want my career to evolve around education, around student learning. I want the people I come in contact with to learn something from their interactions with me. And yes, I still want to make the world a better place - and I believe that education is the way to do it, at least for me.

The beginning of a new semester

I've had a rough start this semester. I returned from a way-too-short vacation with my family to RA Training on January 1st. January 2nd, I was busy with training all day and the majority of the evening. After some in-area time, I went back to my apartment (where my family still was) and started making some door tags for my staff. My family went to bed early and while I'm usually a night person, I got pretty tired myself. I decided to go to bed and then get up early the next morning to finish what I had to do. But a few hours later, I woke up - shivering and feeling sick to my stomach.

I'll do you a favor and skip the detailed description of the rest of the night/the next day. But let's just say, when I said I wanted to lose weight in 2010, I didn't mean I wanted to spend Jan. 3rd hugging the toilet bowl and throwing up everything for the past few days. But I did lose some weight....

I couldn't get out of bed for another two days. The afternoon of the last day, I was feeling better and spent some quality time online trying to figure out my "new" life. I decided it was time to start taking dance classes again. And I should probably take guitar lessons (I bought myself a guitar for Christmas).

So today, after my first day back at work, I hopped in the car and checked out a dance class. And it was fun! I've missed dancing. It just gives you so much energy! :)

Happy New Year

New Year is the time for new goals, New Year's resolutions and all that kind of stuff. I usually don't take those things too seriously. Why come up with new goals at New Years? As a student and then as someone working in a college environment, it always seemed to make more sense for me to come up with my "New Year's resolutions" and my new goals at the beginning of an academic year.

This year, for some reason, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my goals and what I want to accomplish this year just around New Year's Eve. I've been thinking about these things - my job, my career, what I want my future to be like - for a while now. But before the new year, I felt like I could push those questions aside - wait until later to really think about them and come up with an answer. But now, on the "other side" I'm starting to feel the pressure to figure out what to do.

I've spent the last two days coming up with this "perfect" plan - it would basically outline the next four or five years of my life. But there are so many "if's" that as much as I love having a plan, it also scares me. What if one of those "if's" doesn't work out - then the whole beautiful plan comes crashing down.

One of the biggest challenges for me is always figuring out how to balance what's best for my career with what's most convenient/fun/comforting for my personal life (e.g. how many people do I know in the area I'd be moving to? how much would I enjoy living there?).

My head is starting to hurt from thinking about all these things...