More to think about...

I've been slacking with posting this October, so I'm going to make up for it now... ;)

I've spent the past four days talking with colleagues about self-authorship and how we can get our students to move toward self-authorship. But where are we ourselves in that process? I know there's still a lot I haven't figured out about myself; believes I haven't really evaluated. And how can I expect my students to reflect and evaluate and re-evaluate their believes when I don't do that myself? But then I just get so busy - with work and life and everything - that finding the time to sit down and reflect, really reflect, just doesn't happen.

At one of my past institutions we had to write these weekly reports for our supervisors. The questions were typically how we were doing, what was going on in our building and with our staff - nothing life-altering - but it still made me think and reflect and - yes, I know I'm such a dork - I LOVED it. :) I really miss writing those weekly reports. Ha, if some of my colleagues could hear that, they'd think I'm crazy.

This blog has helped because it gives me that chance to look back and think about things. I'm one of those people who loves to write - and writing often helps me organize my own thoughts and figure out what I really think. I process while writing. And while this blog has helped, I've also really focused on work-related things lately and not so much on me and my own journey toward self-authorship.

So tonight, we're going to switch gears just a little [and don't feel obligated to keep reading; just writing this helps me and it doesn't really matter if someone reads it or not - but I do LOVE getting comments!!!! Hint! Hint!]:

I've been thinking about religion today (thanks to a friend of mine). I'm an atheist - or at least that's what I've said for the past few years when people ask me what I believe. The usual reactions are, "What? Really? Does that mean you really don't believe in anything?" "Hmm, yeah, that's kinda what being an atheist means."

I wasn't always an atheist. I was raised Catholic and for the first 16 years of my life, I went to church once a week, celebrated Christmas and Easter and did all the things you're supposed to do (or at least most of them). My mom is Catholic; my dad's an atheist. But my dad never said anything against religion or tried to persuade me not to believe in God; on the contrary, he always was very supportive of my sister and me going to church with mom and even came with us for some of the bigger holidays. When I was little, I repeated the things you say in church, I learned the stories from the bible - I remember we had this orange children's bible. :) But every once in a while, something happened that made me question if what I was taught was really true. I remember my first confession (I went to a Catholic elementary school and we had to go to confession there) and the nuns were telling us how we would feel so much better after going to confession and asking for forgiveness for all of our sins. I took it really serious (even though I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone at the time) and even made this mental list of what I had to tell the priest. I went there - nervous and excited - and went through my whole list. I was told to say a couple prayers and that God was going to forgive me my sins. I said my prayers and then I kept waiting - waiting for that feeling of relief, that happy and grateful feeling of being forgiven your sins; I thought I would have felt elated - but I didn't. I kept thinking about what had gone wrong. And then it came to me - I had forgotten one of the things on my list. Oh no! So next time, I made sure to mention every little thing. But once again the elated feeling wouldn't come. Was there something wrong with me?

As I got older, I started to realize that I was just saying the things you say in church, following the routines - but that's what it was, routines, words - I didn't actually believe what I was saying. I hadn't ever really thought about whether or not I truly believed in God.

I studied abroad my junior year in high school. My host family didn't go to church regularly, so I didn't either. I didn't miss it. That was one of the years I spent the least amount of time thinking about religion. Out of sight out of mind, I guess.

I returned home to find that my mother gave me the choice if I wanted to continue going to church weekly. I chose not to. Why? There was the extra time on a Saturday evening, being able to watch TV with my dad or read a book or just do "something". There was the fact that I often felt close to falling asleep when actually going to church - hmmmm, let's be honest; there were times I did fall asleep or at least nod off in church. But there was also the fact that I didn't know what I believed and in church I couldn't really avoid that question anymore. As I said the lord's prayer, I would start to actually think about the words I was saying instead of just saying them - and then I felt weird. How could I stand there and say that I believed in God when I didn't know whether or not I did?

Over the next years I spent a few sleepless nights thinking about all that - not many, there were lots of times when religion didn't cross my mind at all (and my life didn't seem to be any worse for it) - but every once in a while these questions would come up. When people asked me what my religion was, I still answered "Roman Catholic" but I often felt like a liar and those questions were some of the triggers that led me to wanting to figure out what I actually believed. For a while, I just couldn't figure out what I believed. I felt like I didn't believe in God, but I wasn't ready to face the consequences or truly let go of something that had been part of my life for so long. But the more I thought about it the more I felt like I liar. How could I go on pretending to be a Catholic when I really didn't believe that there is a God? It had always annoyed me that my grandma, my dad's mother who is an atheist, celebrated Christmas and expected us to send her Christmas presents - she doesn't believe in Christ; she makes fun of my mom for believing in God and gives her a hard time about it - but oh, she wants those presents and that "Merry Christmas!" That's just seemed so wrong, so hypocritical - but was I any better? Faking it even though I didn't really believe in all this anymore - or at least wasn't sure.

Slowly I started thinking of myself as an atheist. And I feel more comfortable with that. I feel like I'm more true to what I actually believe. But it hasn't always been easy....
I still celebrate Christmas. Have I become the same hypocrit as my grandma? I hope not. For me, Christmas is a Family tradition; it's usually the one holiday when I actually get to see my family and get to spend time with them - and that's what Christmas has become for me. I do sometimes feel like a liar singing those Christmas songs - AHHHH - but I'm also not ready to complete let go of this tradition.

And then there are those realities that hit you when you embrace being an atheist - like that there won't be anything for you after death, it'll just be over. I think that's part of why I try so hard to do something good with my life; so when it's all over and I'm just dust in the ground, at least I will have contributed in a positive way to the lives of other people. But it also puts a lot of pressure on you - I only have this life and if I screw it up, I won't get another chance.
Oh and what about those moments when you're just really scared or nervous and you wish you could pray to someone or something for help because you just don't know what else to do? When I first started questioning my beliefs, the times when I was worried or needed help, were the moments when I turned to God and still asked for help - but when I was happy and life was good, I never thought about religion or God. There's definitely something consoling in knowing that there's someone out there watching over you. But I did that because I wanted there to be someone, not because I actually believed it and eventually I figured I was just being a coward and it was time I stood up for what I actually believed in - even if it would suck at times. At least I was being true to myself.

But what did that mean for my relationship with people who believe in God? I struggled. I prided myself in being "open-minded" but looking back I have to admit that I really wasn't open-minded toward people who are religious. And that's not right either.

Now I try to respect people's beliefs. And sometimes I'm a tiny bit jealous because I think I may struggle a bit less with life and all the challenges it throws at me if I truly believe in some higher power. I'm not trying to say that it's easy to be a true Christian (or any religion, for that matter) in today's society because I know it's not the "cool" thing to do and people who strongly believe in their religion and let it influence their day-to-day life don't have it easy either; I guess I just sometimes wish I didn't feel so much pressure to make so much of my life (because it's the only one I'm going to get) and that I could ask for someone's help and not know that in the end I'm in this all by myself. But I can't make myself believe and can't pretend anymore to believe something I don't.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. Maybe it's time for bed. Hmmm, yeah, it was time for bed like two hours ago. Oops.

I hope I haven't turned any of you away by talking about religion - I know it's one of "those" topics. But how can we expect our students to think about it and talk about it, if we don't?

I wish I could end this with some meaningful life lesson but here's the truth: I got nothing. I can only do what seems to right to me right now. But do really wish life was a little easier sometimes. Is that too much to ask for?

Lots to think about...

I've spent four amazing days at ACPA's Residential Curriculum Institute and now I have A LOT to think about. I was the only person from my institution attending; I'd hoped I could convince a few colleagues to go with me but that didn't work out. I could have waited - maybe given it another year to see if more staff members expressed interest, but waiting and patience was never my strong suit. Besides, I've wanted to go to this institute since I first heard about the residential curriculum at ACPA four years ago and this year I could finally get some financial support from my instituion.

The institute was great. I think I learned more here than at any other conference I've been to. At ACPA and other regional and national conferences, I always struggle with picking sessions; sometimes you're lucky and it's a great session and sometimes it just wasn't exactly what you expected. Besides, I usually end up going to a variety of sessions, so I have all these different ideas and thoughts but nothing in depth or detail. Over the past years, the most important thing for me at national conferences has been time spent with the commission I'm serving on and connecting with colleagues. But this institute - it was just great. Since everything focused on one specific topic, I felt like I really got the chance to think about this, dig deep and look at it from various angles. Sessions were building off each other. At times, I felt like my head was going to explode from getting all this information and trying to make sense of it - and especially figuring out how I could apply that and go about convincing others at my institution to consider this approach. Part of me thinks I need to start little - but how do you start a shift in philosophy on a small scale? But then again, how do I convince people that, even though I just started working there this year, they should listen to me and totally reevaluate what they've been doing. Oh man, I'm getting a headache again. Haha.

I have about a million notes (no kidding!) from this institute as well as handouts and worksheets from various session. I thought about looking through those tonight and figuring out how I can organize them. But then I got totally overwhelmed and decided I deserved a night off and I could start thinking about all that tomorrow - or maybe on Monday; we'll see.

Other than that: I really enjoyed my time away. I love my job, I really do; but sometimes it's just nice to get away. Even if I don't have to work one weekend (and let's be honest, that doesn't happen all that often), you still don't feel like you're REALLY away from work when your apartment is in the building you work in. Even if there isn't a single phone call or knock on my door, I don't feel as relaxed and refreshed as when I get far far away from school. So I've loved being here. It was kind of like the best of both worlds (ha - now I'm going to have that Hannah Montana song stuck in my head for the rest of the night - oh dear, I really need to stop watching Disneychannel...LoL): thinking about student learning and learning outcomes and residence life all day and then coming back to the hotel and relaxing or meeting up with non-reslife friends. That's probably been the best part: I have some friends here that aren't ResLife people (those kind of friends are rare!!!!) and I got a chance to hang out with a few of them. And even though they sometimes ask me about work and I tell them all my little stories, it's so different than talking with a ResLifer about it, you know.

Oh and one of my friends gave me one of the nicest compliments ever... The two of us don't agree on a lot of things (politics, religion, etc.) but we still have these really serious discussions about it and I love those because he really makes me think about things differently or at least re-evaluate my own beliefs. And he said that he likes that I am open-minded and don't make him feel bad for not agreeing with him - and I loved hearing that. I think I mostly loved it because I know that I wasn't always that open-minded. I was one of those liberals and activists who prided herself in being open-minded but then totally wasn't toward people who weren't as "open-minded" as me or didn't agree with me. And that's bugged me for a while and I've been trying to change it. And I know I'm still not there but maybe I'm getting better. Ha. Maybe there is hope for me....

The little things...

Maybe this is a sign that it's time for me to start looking for different positions and that my Hall Director career needs to come to an end, but I just have no patience for the "little things" that RAs do or don't do. How hard is it to be in the office while you're on duty? We've talked about it during training; I've reminded them during staff meeting; but every time I stop by, I find one RA there (at the most) even though there are two on duty. And how hard is it to turn in a form by the deadline? Deadlines are on the staff meeting agenda; they get e-mail reminders. I mean, COME ON, I'm not running a babysitting service here.

Haha. I'm clearly frustrated. It's just annoying when you have to deal with these little things; I'd much rather spend my time thinking/talking about what our students should be learning from living in the residence halls, how we can better educate them and better prepare them for life after college. Instead I'm forced to talk about the same stupid little things over and over again.

During my last job search, I was looking for mid-level positions; trying to get out of the Hall Director role. But between the bad job market and my immigration issues, I couldn't find anything, so I went back to being a Hall Director. And I still like it - I love the time I get to spend with my students; those informal interactions when hanging out in a lounge, working with student leaders on programming and other initiatives; it's just the little day-to-day things that are dragging me down.

Homecoming and lots of plans

Homecoming has kept me busy over the past few weeks. A group of my Learning Community students participated in Homecoming events - everything from marching in the parade to chalking cars to making a banner and competing in the Alma Mater Sing and the LipSync. We even had two candidates for Homecoming King & Queen, who made it past the first round of voting but then unfortunately didn't pass the second round. But considering one of them was a first-year students, even just participating was quite the accomplishment (and something I was very proud of) and making it past that first round was simply amazing!!! The candidates tabled and asked residents to vote for them, made fliers and spread the word to everyone they knew. It was proof of how far dedication and commitment can get you; even in a total popularity contest.

Homecoming was beyond stressful (LipSync practices from 9:30 pm until 1 in the morning, running errands, going to events and and and) but it was also a wonderful experience. It really helped me bond with the students, who participated in it. It reminded me of how much fun this job can be. It was great to see the students step up to leadership roles, to take initiative...and now they're excited and are planning things for next year already...and that makes me excited and eager to plan for the future. I know some of them are interested in applying to be RAs and I know they'll be great. Some of them I may be able to retain as student leaders in the community, and that's one of the roles I'd love to make a little more formal. Instead of just hoping that some of the returning community members will step up to leadership roles, I'd like to actually create a leadership position for them to apply to and then hold. I'm still trying to work out what it would really be like (would they get certain privileges or would we make it part of a class they get credit for? how many leaders should we have? what exactly will their job responsibilities be?) but it's given me a lot to think about. I've started taking some notes and I'm going to set up meetings in the next couple of weeks.

I'm also still thinking about the programming model and how we can improve it. I've had some meetings already and would like to continue exploring some options there.


And I recently volunteered to help with some of our assessment initiatives for the department.

All in all, I'm sure not to get bored around here. ;)