More to think about...

I've been slacking with posting this October, so I'm going to make up for it now... ;)

I've spent the past four days talking with colleagues about self-authorship and how we can get our students to move toward self-authorship. But where are we ourselves in that process? I know there's still a lot I haven't figured out about myself; believes I haven't really evaluated. And how can I expect my students to reflect and evaluate and re-evaluate their believes when I don't do that myself? But then I just get so busy - with work and life and everything - that finding the time to sit down and reflect, really reflect, just doesn't happen.

At one of my past institutions we had to write these weekly reports for our supervisors. The questions were typically how we were doing, what was going on in our building and with our staff - nothing life-altering - but it still made me think and reflect and - yes, I know I'm such a dork - I LOVED it. :) I really miss writing those weekly reports. Ha, if some of my colleagues could hear that, they'd think I'm crazy.

This blog has helped because it gives me that chance to look back and think about things. I'm one of those people who loves to write - and writing often helps me organize my own thoughts and figure out what I really think. I process while writing. And while this blog has helped, I've also really focused on work-related things lately and not so much on me and my own journey toward self-authorship.

So tonight, we're going to switch gears just a little [and don't feel obligated to keep reading; just writing this helps me and it doesn't really matter if someone reads it or not - but I do LOVE getting comments!!!! Hint! Hint!]:

I've been thinking about religion today (thanks to a friend of mine). I'm an atheist - or at least that's what I've said for the past few years when people ask me what I believe. The usual reactions are, "What? Really? Does that mean you really don't believe in anything?" "Hmm, yeah, that's kinda what being an atheist means."

I wasn't always an atheist. I was raised Catholic and for the first 16 years of my life, I went to church once a week, celebrated Christmas and Easter and did all the things you're supposed to do (or at least most of them). My mom is Catholic; my dad's an atheist. But my dad never said anything against religion or tried to persuade me not to believe in God; on the contrary, he always was very supportive of my sister and me going to church with mom and even came with us for some of the bigger holidays. When I was little, I repeated the things you say in church, I learned the stories from the bible - I remember we had this orange children's bible. :) But every once in a while, something happened that made me question if what I was taught was really true. I remember my first confession (I went to a Catholic elementary school and we had to go to confession there) and the nuns were telling us how we would feel so much better after going to confession and asking for forgiveness for all of our sins. I took it really serious (even though I wouldn't have admitted it to anyone at the time) and even made this mental list of what I had to tell the priest. I went there - nervous and excited - and went through my whole list. I was told to say a couple prayers and that God was going to forgive me my sins. I said my prayers and then I kept waiting - waiting for that feeling of relief, that happy and grateful feeling of being forgiven your sins; I thought I would have felt elated - but I didn't. I kept thinking about what had gone wrong. And then it came to me - I had forgotten one of the things on my list. Oh no! So next time, I made sure to mention every little thing. But once again the elated feeling wouldn't come. Was there something wrong with me?

As I got older, I started to realize that I was just saying the things you say in church, following the routines - but that's what it was, routines, words - I didn't actually believe what I was saying. I hadn't ever really thought about whether or not I truly believed in God.

I studied abroad my junior year in high school. My host family didn't go to church regularly, so I didn't either. I didn't miss it. That was one of the years I spent the least amount of time thinking about religion. Out of sight out of mind, I guess.

I returned home to find that my mother gave me the choice if I wanted to continue going to church weekly. I chose not to. Why? There was the extra time on a Saturday evening, being able to watch TV with my dad or read a book or just do "something". There was the fact that I often felt close to falling asleep when actually going to church - hmmmm, let's be honest; there were times I did fall asleep or at least nod off in church. But there was also the fact that I didn't know what I believed and in church I couldn't really avoid that question anymore. As I said the lord's prayer, I would start to actually think about the words I was saying instead of just saying them - and then I felt weird. How could I stand there and say that I believed in God when I didn't know whether or not I did?

Over the next years I spent a few sleepless nights thinking about all that - not many, there were lots of times when religion didn't cross my mind at all (and my life didn't seem to be any worse for it) - but every once in a while these questions would come up. When people asked me what my religion was, I still answered "Roman Catholic" but I often felt like a liar and those questions were some of the triggers that led me to wanting to figure out what I actually believed. For a while, I just couldn't figure out what I believed. I felt like I didn't believe in God, but I wasn't ready to face the consequences or truly let go of something that had been part of my life for so long. But the more I thought about it the more I felt like I liar. How could I go on pretending to be a Catholic when I really didn't believe that there is a God? It had always annoyed me that my grandma, my dad's mother who is an atheist, celebrated Christmas and expected us to send her Christmas presents - she doesn't believe in Christ; she makes fun of my mom for believing in God and gives her a hard time about it - but oh, she wants those presents and that "Merry Christmas!" That's just seemed so wrong, so hypocritical - but was I any better? Faking it even though I didn't really believe in all this anymore - or at least wasn't sure.

Slowly I started thinking of myself as an atheist. And I feel more comfortable with that. I feel like I'm more true to what I actually believe. But it hasn't always been easy....
I still celebrate Christmas. Have I become the same hypocrit as my grandma? I hope not. For me, Christmas is a Family tradition; it's usually the one holiday when I actually get to see my family and get to spend time with them - and that's what Christmas has become for me. I do sometimes feel like a liar singing those Christmas songs - AHHHH - but I'm also not ready to complete let go of this tradition.

And then there are those realities that hit you when you embrace being an atheist - like that there won't be anything for you after death, it'll just be over. I think that's part of why I try so hard to do something good with my life; so when it's all over and I'm just dust in the ground, at least I will have contributed in a positive way to the lives of other people. But it also puts a lot of pressure on you - I only have this life and if I screw it up, I won't get another chance.
Oh and what about those moments when you're just really scared or nervous and you wish you could pray to someone or something for help because you just don't know what else to do? When I first started questioning my beliefs, the times when I was worried or needed help, were the moments when I turned to God and still asked for help - but when I was happy and life was good, I never thought about religion or God. There's definitely something consoling in knowing that there's someone out there watching over you. But I did that because I wanted there to be someone, not because I actually believed it and eventually I figured I was just being a coward and it was time I stood up for what I actually believed in - even if it would suck at times. At least I was being true to myself.

But what did that mean for my relationship with people who believe in God? I struggled. I prided myself in being "open-minded" but looking back I have to admit that I really wasn't open-minded toward people who are religious. And that's not right either.

Now I try to respect people's beliefs. And sometimes I'm a tiny bit jealous because I think I may struggle a bit less with life and all the challenges it throws at me if I truly believe in some higher power. I'm not trying to say that it's easy to be a true Christian (or any religion, for that matter) in today's society because I know it's not the "cool" thing to do and people who strongly believe in their religion and let it influence their day-to-day life don't have it easy either; I guess I just sometimes wish I didn't feel so much pressure to make so much of my life (because it's the only one I'm going to get) and that I could ask for someone's help and not know that in the end I'm in this all by myself. But I can't make myself believe and can't pretend anymore to believe something I don't.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. Maybe it's time for bed. Hmmm, yeah, it was time for bed like two hours ago. Oops.

I hope I haven't turned any of you away by talking about religion - I know it's one of "those" topics. But how can we expect our students to think about it and talk about it, if we don't?

I wish I could end this with some meaningful life lesson but here's the truth: I got nothing. I can only do what seems to right to me right now. But do really wish life was a little easier sometimes. Is that too much to ask for?