Thoughts

I know it's been a while. Where have all these good "new academic year resolutions" gone of living healthier and having more balance? I'm taking dance classes on a regular basis, but while it's a lot of fun and I wouldn't give it up for the world, it's also adding a lot of stress to my life because it's time that I need to find in my schedule. Not surprising (but still a little disappointing), this semester has started off more stressful than ever.

It's also become harder and harder to write this blog because this whole "anonymous" things just isn't working. More and more people have "found" the blog and have figured out who writes it (granted, it's not that complicated to figure it out if you know me) and while I don't really care whether or not other peple read my blog (it's not like I write anything on here that I wouldn't tell them to their face...maybe in a bit of a nicer way though), it does make me question what to write and "how honest" I should be. I don't want to offend people; I don't want to negatively portray our department - I'm just trying to tell "my story" - but I guess it's not that easy.

I haven't really made up my mind yet and if I decide to stop posting, I'll let you all know.

For now, just a brief personal update: With the new academic year having started, the date when my visa will expire seems a lot closer. I still have a little less than 2 years left, but a green card application would have to be submitted at least one year prior to when my visa expires - so that gives me less than a year. All this immigration stuff is causing so much worrying and stress in my life; it's ridiculous! I try coming up with back-up plans (in case I don't get a green card) and I hate planning ahead for more than a year because I just don't know what will happen afterwards. I also can't help but feel stuck here. It's not about whether or not I like working here; it's just the feeling that if I wanted to pick up and leave, I couldn't.

But on a happier note: I am working with some awesome student leaders this year - from my RA staff to the Learning Community Leaders to the conference staff, RHA and other student organizations. Spending time with them has become one of the best parts of my week - other than dancing ;) - even though it's tough to find the time to do all that. I really need a time turner - like the one Hermione Granger had in the 3rd harry Potter book. Wouldn't that be amazing?

Getting ready

Our RAs are coming back in one week; one week after that the RHA Executive Board will move in, three days after that my Learning Community Leaders will be there and then just two days later is First-Year Move-in and the next day, everyone else will be able to move back in.

The summer went by way too fast - as always. It's tough to believe that students will be back so soon. And yes, I still stand by what I said - I can't wait for them to get back. That doesn't mean though that I'd love to have a couple more weeks to get everything ready. ;) I'm just not ready; there's too much to do and not enough time. How does that always happen? We know students come back on a certain day and we have all summer to get ready - but then the last couple weeks are stressful and crazy. I tried to be better about it this year and did some things early, but there are so many things that I couldn't do yet because I was waiting for things from other people. Waiting to get the RA Training schedule, so I could start thinking about In-Area Times and figure out how to squeeze in my Learning Community Leaders training. Waiting for others to review things, so I could finish them. Waiting for my students to send me information, so I can plan more things for them. Waiting for our new Faculty Director to get here, so I can finalize lesson plans for my first-year student class and figure out details for our Learning Community Leaders course/experience.

Sometimes, when I let myself think about all the things I need to do this Fall, I get totally freaked out. I definitely feel like I've taken on too much and when I tried to get rid of a few things, that didn't go over so well and I'm still stuck with almost everything. The problem is that I don't think anyone realizes how much I actually have on my plate. I tried to figure out the hours that I'll be spending in meetings and one-on-one's this summer and I ended up with about 33-34 hours a week; that's just not feasible. Where will I find time to get any work done? Or be visible in the building (since that's supposedly one of our focus areas)?

But I need to stop talking about this or I'm going to get stressed out again. I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

Yesterday, I spent quite a bit of time painting our office. Three walls of the outer office are now done; we just need to do the accent wall and door frames, etc. That shouldn't take too long. Painting has been kinda frustrating though. First it took a while to get the paint; then I couldn't get help to move furniture in the office and take down the bulletin boards. The walls looks horrible - but getting those wholes and scratches fixed was just not in the cards...so we painted over them. :) It doesn't look great but it looks better than before. And now, I'm almost out of light blue paint but I still have three walls in my office to do. I've asked for more but didn't get a response. Big surprise! Maybe I'll just go out and buy paint on my own. I know I shouldn't have to and it's slightly ridiculous, but I think it may be worth spending a couple bucks to save me from the stress and frustration of trying to get paint. And I want this office to be done before the RAs get here next weekend.

Today, I relaxed for a bit (shocker!), then spent some time making door tags for my RAs. I always have those "great" ideas for door tags that turn into way too complicated projects. Haha. This year, I bought them dry-erase boards (that's kind of a tradition for me) and am using foam to cut out their favorite animals and names - and all that gets glued to the dry-erase board. I also have 8 door tags to make for my Learning Community Leaders, plus 16+ door tags for conference chairs (for the regional conference we're hosting). I definitely won't get bored in the next few days.

Now I'm back in the office and will clean before moving some of the furniture back and trying to put up those bulletin boards again.

Good Luck to all the other ResLife staff members out there, who are going through trainnig and are getting ready for their RAs to return!

The things people tell me....

...I am too impatient. Hmm, yeah, granted, that's probably true. But how can you be patient when you're passionate about a new idea or initiative and nothing is happening to make it come true? How can you be patient when all you're being told is that "we are not ready for that yet"? Okay, yes, maybe we are not but how will we ever get ready if we're not working to get ready? What's going to get better if we just sit around and do nothing? I'd rather have not enough patience - and get things done - than be too patient and never move forward.

...I need to work on having balance in my life. Yeah, easier said than done. So you tell me I should have balance in my life but at the same time you give me more stuff to do than what's feasible to get done in even an extra-long work week? Take this semester for example: I'm teaching a 3-credit learning community course, I'm co-teaching a 1-credit learning community class, I'm supervising a grad assistant (which used to be equal to having a committee assignment...we need to have two committees or taskforces total...but apparently that may be changing...who knows), I'm one of the RHA advisors, I'm the main advisor for the regional conference our RHA is hosting (which could really be a full-time job on its own), I'm doing all the work of the faculty-director of not just one but TWO learning communities right now (we have very MIA faculty for one of the communities I work and the second one is getting a visiting faculty member as the director for this year...just a one-year thing though...but that faculty member hasn't started yet and will need some time to learn about the community and her role; which doesn't give us time to plan things for Opening and the First Five Weeks...or doesn't help me when faculty members from other communities are contacting me now to ask about collaborations and ideas of what we're doing for our community or when grad assistants have questions about their job related to the learning community), I've started a new Learning Community Leader (LCL) program (the one I'm teaching the 3-credit course for) which means I will also have to find the time to meet with all my LCLs for one-on-one's, oh and then the Assessment Taskforce I was trying to quit...yeah, didn't work out so well and I guess I'm still going to have to help with various things for the taskforce. And yes, those all sound like AWESOME opportunities - and they are - but sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and sleep...and sometimes, just thinking about everything I need to get done makes me want to cry. I have no idea how I'll keep a semblance of sanity in my life this semester. And it's not for lack of trying on my part. I started taking ballroom dancing lessons again - I used to ballroom dance when I was in high school and I really miss it, but I never knew how to start again because I don't have a partner to dance with. Well, I figured, screw it - I'll just join a studio and dance on my own. And it's been awesome so far! 1) Because I'm getting away from campus and 2) because I've been dancing a bit with the dance instructors during private lessons and practice sessions - and it's freakin' amazing to dance with a partner who can actually dance. But while that helps me get away from campus, it also adds to my stress like tonight when I had to go back to the office at 11 pm because I hadn't gotten everything done before leaving for dance class. :(

...I suck at saying no. Yes, I do. But you know what, people suck at taking "no" for an answer. Because I will try to say no and then they'll talk me into still doing something. Couldn't they - knowing that I'm not good at saying no - be a little nicer on me and just stop bugging me after I said no once? Is that too much to ask for?

One of those days

Today was just one of those days....

I woke up and felt exhausted (maybe I shouldn't have gone to sleep at all - I was a lot more awake on those days...haha...j/k).

I went over to our central office in hopes of catching one of our associate directors because I wanted to talk to him about an initiative I've been thinking about - that already got shot down once but I think there may be a way of resurrecting it or at least making it something we can work on next year during the year (one suggestion was to make a committee and the best way to kill any good idea at this institution is to form a committee because you know then nothing will ever happen; so I've been trying to think of a different approach I can suggest) - but he wasn't there anyway. I also wanted to talk to him about the assessment taskforce that I was co-chairing last year because I really don't want to do it anymore this year...for so many reasons. I like assessment (yes, I'm weird) but this taskforce was not what I thought it would be. But you were the co-chair, you may think, why didn't you change it. Ha...co-chair here just means secretary. ;)

Well, he wasn't there anyway - so much for that plan. I went to pick up the paint for my office. I decided to paint my office. The only problem: there are a ton of holes and cracks in the wall. I've asked to have maintenance stop by and plaster the holes and cracks weeks ago but never got a response. Ugh. That's so one of my pet peeves - if you can't do something or it'll take a long time, just tell me but don't ignore my e-mails/voicemails.

I got back to my office and tried to go online. Our University is rolling out a new security software. It prompted me to log in, which I did. Then it asked for me to download the new software - but of course I don't have administrative privileges on my office computer, so I couldn't. I called our Tech Support Office and of course didn't hear back all day. At least I could go on through a temporary access thing; so annoying though!!!

The next few hours were spent looking at the Hall Director Manual. Yeah, surprise, we may actually have a manual this year. Last year, we didn't get one. What did I do when I didn't know what to do, you ask...oh, let me tell you - I just made it up. There were so many things that we didn't really get trained on; and there's only so much you can cover in one-on-one's with your supervisor or so many questions you can ask...so eventually you just start to wing it. Good thing, I've been a Hall Director for a while and at least know how things were done at other schools.

But yeah, working on this manual isn't the most thrilling thing in the world - but then again, it has to get done.

Things just kept going downhill for the rest of the day. I made one more attempt to call about my walls being plastered - the answer was a "we're not sure" and when I asked if they could at least let me know whether or not it'll happen I got a "yes" that sounded more like a "no" (and I didn't hear anything for the rest of the day). How long do they think I'll wait until I start painting? This office needs more than one coat of paint and training starts on Monday, so I won't really have time after that. Ugh!

I spent some time looking up YouTube videos on how to plaster holes and then wandered around the building trying to find some supplies (they were painting in here earlier) but no luck. I guess I'll just have to paint over it all. It'll look like crap - but it can't look worse than it looks right now.

Oh and then to top it all of, I got an e-mail regarding the new faculty member moving into my building. Apparently they shampooed the carpets for her and are putting new furniture in the apartment and getting linens and all that stuff. Did anyone shampoo my carpet before I came here? If they did, you couldn't tell. The apartment was filthy - the office worse. I feel dirty just walking around the office and if I ever take off my shoes, my feet are black within minutes (no joke!). I was told when I moved in that I'd get new furniture in my apartment because it's pretty crappy - a few weeks later, I was told that the new furniture would be coming here in December - it's July now and I still don't have new furniture. I was sent to help a colleague pick out some new furniture a couple weeks ago but haven't heard anything since; so we'll see if that actually happens.

I'm just so tired of all this. I need my students back!!!

Oh and I totally forgot: We got our key envelope labels. So at the end of last year, I had my student workers prep labels for all my keys and the RAs then put the keys straight into those envelopes. I then double-checked the keys and since then they have been sitting in a drawer ready for Opening. Well, a week ago, we were told that we are centrally printing labels and that we need to use these new labels. What the...? Am I seriously supposed to put these new labels on new envelopes and then move all the keys from one envelope to another; or stick the labels over the old ones, which will look crappy but would probably be less work. As if I have nothing better to do?

You know, the main thing I've learned at this school is to never do anything early - because they'll change their mind ten times and then in the end you have to re-do everything again. But then when you wait, you'll have to do it last minute and be stressed - or sometimes nothing happens and than you have to come up with your own system anyway (and will be mad at yourself for waiting so long). So I guess what I truly learned is that no matter what you do, you'll always be screwed.

Can students be back now PLEASE??? I need them to keep me sane!!!

(And yes, you can remind me of that when my students start driving me crazy in the Fall. Haha.)

Sleepless Nights

I don't know what's wrong with me lately but I just can't sleep. I had this awesome routine going. I'd try to go to bed around 10 or 11 pm and would then get up at 6 am (and it wasn't even that hard - and that even though I have never been a morning person). I'd go running for an hour, get back and watch "Boy Meets World" while doing some stretches, crunches, etc., take a shower, watch "Saved by the Bell" while getting ready and eating breakfast and then I'd be at work by 9 am, if not earlier. And every day, I felt awake, energized and ready to go. Even on weekends when I didn't set an alarm, I would wake up early (maybe not 6 but around 7 or 8) and would have the whole day to do fun stuff. It was amazing!!!

But since Friday my schedule has been completely messed up and I don't know what happened. When I got off work on Friday, I felt a little tired but didn't want to take a nap because then I wouldn't be able to fall asleep at night. I powered through and suddenly found new energy and then I couldn't fall asleep anymore - not at all. Eventually I gave up trying to sleep and went to my office and seriously worked on stuff all night. At 6 am, I decided to go for a 1 1/2 hour run and even then coming back I wasn't too tired. After taking a shower, eating breakfast and reading for a little while, I curled up on the couch, turned on the TV and eventually dosed off. But after just three hours, I woke again and even though I felt a little tired, I wasn't as exhausted as I should have been. I was up all day, got a little tired in the early evening (but again too early to go to bed for good) and when it was time for bed, I once again couldn't fall asleep. So freakin' annoying!!! And this has continued since then.

Monday night I only slept for three hours. Tuesday I was tired and so, when I got off work, I decided to take a brief nap - especially since it was raining and I couldn't really do anything fun anyway; I'm also on duty this week, so my options of "doing something" are somewhat limited as I have to stay within the duty area. Well, the "brief" aspect of the nap didn't work out. I didn't wake up until 10:30 pm, which then of course let to me not being tired at all around midnight when I tried to go to bed. So once again, I gave up on sleeping and have spent the past few hours working on our Hall Director Manual. (Yes, I lead an exciting life, don't I!?!)

Now it's about 3:30 am and I'm still not tired. I think I'll just continue working on this manual for another hour or so and then go running. If I get tired, I may take a nap in the morning - and let's keep our fingers crossed that I wake up in time for work. Naps are dangerous! ;)

The thing is, I'm so much more productive in the middle of the night right now. I've gotten more done in the past few hours than I did all day. And I'm so much more comfortable than instead of being all dressed up, I'm chillin' in the office in sweat pants, a sports bra and a t-shirt. But still, it'd be nice if I could get back to a normal routine one of these days.

Things I miss...

I often get the question: "What do you miss about Austria the most?" My typical answer is, "My friends and family and Austrian chocolate." But there are a few other things I miss - and here are two that I've been thinking about lately:

1) Well-marked hiking trails. On my recent hiking adventures, I've followed trails that suddenly ended; I didn't know where I was heading when several trails were marked with the same color; and without a map, I wasn't sure if I'd find the way back to my car.

But check out the picture. This is what signage in Austria looks like. The signs tell you where every trail leads, how long it will take you to get there. Biking trails are marked differently than hiking trails. Sometimes they have winter-hiking trails noted as well (those that are good for snow-shoeing and those type of things). So who needs a map? Everything you need to know is noted on the signs. And I love the feeling of accomplishment when you climb a peak and you get there faster than the time listed on the sign.

2) I miss swimming WITHOUT a lifeguard on duty and outside a tiny, roped-off area.
Recently, I've been trying to find a place where you can go swimming around here. Driving to the ocean is just a little too far from here. That's something I can do on the weekend but not after work.
I managed to find a state park that had a tiny little pond where you could go swimming - surprisingly even without a lifeguard on duty - but the pond was so tiny that the water was way too warm and it also wasn't very kind and looked kinda dirty. Not exactly the swimming I'm used to from growing up at the Lake of Constance (see picture).

Today, I found a lake where you can go swimming. It's a decent size, the water was somewhat refreshing (I guess nothing other than the ocean is going to be truly refreshing on these hot summer days), but of course there is a lifeguard on duty and swimming is only allowed in this tiny, roped-off area. It was way better than the little pond, but you still feel so limited and fenced in.

*Sigh*

Yes, those are some of the things I miss.

Working in the summer

What does a Hall Director do in the summer? Well, a few of us - the lucky ones - have 10 or 11 month contracts and actually get time off after students leave. But for most of us, this is a 12-month gig. So what is it that we do once students are gone? Well, at first there's all the closing follow-up like paperwork, damage charges, etc. And then summer assignments start. For some of us that means being the hall director for the summer residence halls (after all, there are always some students who take summer classes and want to stay in the residence halls over the summer). A few others work in conference services - which means we rent out our residence halls for different conferences, camps, etc. And the rest of us get "special assignments" such as working on training for the Fall, revising manuals, working on various projects and whatever else our leadership comes up.

There are some things I like about working in the summer: I feel like I'm a "real" person in the summer, someone who a set number of hours. I leave the office at 5 (okay, occasionally, like today, at 7, but that's still a lot better than the usual 10 or 11), I come home and I don't do anything work related. It's like I'm getting this insight of what my life could be like if I had a 9-5 job. And you know what? I like it. I get up between 6 and 6:30 am every day (because I can go to bed early and get enough sleep), I go running, then I come home and do some stretches and finally take a shower. After a leisurely breakfast, I go down to the office, work on a few projects, go to some meetings. At noon, I come back to my apartment for a 1-hour lunch that I usually spend reading or - if I'm super ambitious - working out as well as grabbing something to eat. And then the afternoon is again filled with some projects and meetings and at 5 pm I leave the office, which leaves me with lots of time to do other things. Like Tuesday, when I went swimming for a couple hours. Or just grocery shopping, cooking and then relaxing in front of the TV (that was my Wednesday). And then the weekends!!! I actually get to do things on the weekends instead of either catching up on sleep or going to special events or doing all the things I couldn't get done during the week. Like last weekend, when I went hiking or next weekend when I'm going to visit friends.
Yeah, summer sounds pretty awesome, doesn't it?

Not so fast. There are a few things that I really really dislike about summer. Summer gets lonely. I spend a lot of time in my office, by myself. There are no student workers, no grad assistant, no RAs and students that will stop by. After a few hours of sitting in front of the computer, I just get bored - working on the same project for hours and hours.
And then there's the fact that I often don't agree with what our department does or how our leadership sees things. I try to change them, I come up with new ideas and initiatives - but that involves a lot of set-backs and is beyond frustrating! That happens all year long, but when it's during the year, I can go back to my building, to my little bubble with my students, and I remember why I do what I do and why it's all worth it. But in the summer, I don't have that. So I'm left with my frustration, left wondering why I even care...and sometimes I just don't know if it is all worth it. Maybe I should just stop caring so much - it's just a job, right? But I can't.
So yeah, because of that, summer isn't always all that great. As cheesy as it may sound, I miss my students!!!

My least favorite questions...

Whenever I hear one of those questions, I cringe and feel the desire to either run away or throw something at the person who asked the question.

1) "Are you a US citizen now?" Usually the question comes with the underlying expectation that the answer will be yes. When I truthfully answer, "No", the typical follow-up question is "But why now? Don't you want to?" As if this was something that I can control. And whether I want to or not, I am now forced to give an explanation of the US immigration system, which will of course be interrupted by exclamations such as, "Really?" or "I don't believe it. There has to be some other way." Because let me tell you, the one thing Americans and Austrians have in common is that none of them understands the US immigration system.

2) "Do you have a boyfriend?" Whenever I get that question, the Gay Rights Activist in me wants to scream and say, "Why does it have to be a boyfriend?" but I know that most of the time that would end in a fruitless discussion. And besides, if my immediate family (my parents, my sister or my grandparents) ask me that questions, that's one thing - they know me and have a right to ask that question. But the random relative I see once every three years and who knows nothing about me other than that I live in the US - seriously none of their business!!!

And then the last annoying question: 3) So what does a Hall Director do? I guess we, who work in Student Affairs, all know this question. And the frustrating part - there isn't a brief answer. So do you waste the time trying to explain it to someone, who in the end probably still won't get it or do you just ignore the question and give a very brief, vague answer?

And I'm back - back in the US and at work that is

It always takes me a while to get used to being back in the US and at work again. I got in Monday at 11 pm and then got right back to work on Tuesday morning. I still feel a little out of the loop, am still working on catching up with e-mails (I had 300 unread ones in my inbox when I checked it Tuesday morning) and English still sounds a little weird to me, but I'm back to thinking in English and have pretty much slipped back into my daily routine again.

I'm going to try to not let work suck me in completely and I want to live a little "healthier" this year. That means, not stressing that much over things I can't change (we'll see how successful I am at that) and trying to go running regularly or maybe attend some dance or exercise class. I also bought a bunch of healthy food Tuesday and felt very virtuous. ;)

I had a random idea the other day - related to this blog. It's so difficult to explain what a Hall Director does - even to friends who have been there from my first week as an RA to now or sometimes even student leaders interested in this field or your very own RAs - so every once in a while I'm going to write "A Day in the Life of..." post and just tell you what I did that day. Sound good? Well, we'll see how it turns out.

Back home [continued]

Right afterwards, I got on a train to Graz. From Graz, I took the bus to Gratkorn, where my grandma (my dad's mom) lives. I spent two days with her, then it was time to get back on the bus, then back on a train and head to Liezen, where my grandpa lives. I saw more relatives in two days than I usually visit in a year and as soon as we were done with that, it was time to leave to get back home, do laundry (or to be honest, let my mom do my laundry...thank you, mom!!!) and then head to my friend's house for a week of hanging out with my three best friends from high school. We try to have these "reunions" as we call them every five year. Last year, we had to postpone it because it was just too busy of a summer with weddings and job searches and other plans. But this summer, we made it happen. At times, I didn't believe it would actually happen but somehow the plans - as vague as they were for the longest time - did work out and the four of us were in the same place for five days. We spent the week wandering around, swimming, a tiny bit of sightseeing (a castle nearby) and just hanging out and reconnecting. We stayed at my friend's apartment, just about ten minutes away from my parents' house, which - to be honest - felt a little .... weird. I guess I'm also just not the person for day-trips; I like to TRAVEL, really TRAVEL! My family used to go to a foreign country for three to six weeks and just travel around and explore. We rarely stayed in one place for more than two or three days. It's not that I don't like visiting my family and friends, but it just doesn't feel like a true vacation. When I was little, we used to go "on vacation" for a few weeks in another country (usually in our RV) and then we went to visit our grandparents - which was still fun and a lot more relaxing but not the vacation-part. Anyway, I digress....

After the week at my friend's place, I "moved" back to my parents. My parents are both teachers and unfortunately the school year doesn't end until the end of the first week in July here, so they are still working. However, they tried to take as much time off as posssible, so that we could go hiking and swimming in the lake - even if it was just for half the day and they had to work the other half. On Wednesday, we left again to visit my grandpa. Thursday was a holiday and they didn't have school, so we could spend the long weekend at my grandpa's and briefly see my uncle and my cousins. We got back Sunday evening and I spent one more week at home - going hiking and swimming whenever possible. I spend so much time in my job sitting inside or just running around on a college campus that it's nice to get out and really walk/run/swim. I made the most of that for the past few weeks. Last night, my sister had a dance performance and now my week at home is unfortunately coming to an end again and I'll be heading back to the US tomorrow. I can't believe my summer's already practially over.

I managed to pretty much stop thinking about work though for the past few weeks, which was awesome. I rarely checked my e-mail (which also wasn't that easy since I wasn't home that much and my grandparents don't have internet...or even a computer) and when I did check it, I only responded to the most important things. Even a workaholic like me could get used to a life without work. ;)

Back home

First of all, hello to one of my most dedicated followers who has been complaining for the past few days about the lack of blog posts.

Second, hello everyone else! I apologize for not blogging in a while. My excuse? It's the summer and I've spent the past few weeks at home. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. First, I went to the NACURH Conference with students (for those of you, who are not ResLifers, NACURH stands for National Asociation for College and University Residence Halls, and is the largest student-run organization). We had to fly and drive to get there. On the way there, that wasn't an issue because we had plenty of time. On the way back, we had to leave right after the dance (at 10:30 am) to get to the airport on time for our early-morning flight. We flew back, got picked up; once back on campus, I returned to work for a few hours to finish up anything that needed to get done before leaving for my vacation. Once done with work, I went home, packed, cleaned, slept for two hours, got up again, took care of some more work things that had come up and then got on a bus to get to the airport and fly to Europe. Once in Europe, my dad picked me up. I spent the afternoon with my family. The next morning, we got up early, drove seven hours where my parents dropped my sister and me off at Rock am Ring, one of the biggest outdoor concerts/festivals in Germany. Coldplay was headlining, so of course I couldn't miss it. And their show was definitely worth all the stress!!! We got back on Sunday. On Monday, I got on a train to drive 8 hours to Vienna where I had an interview for my new entry visa the next morning. That interview was at 8:30 am on Tuesday. Right afterwards, ....


Wait, I gotta go. But I'll continue soon.....

Summer!

We've been closed for over a week. It's been a little quieter but there still hasn't been too too much time to breathe. Or maybe it just feels like that because I'm overly tired. Haha. This weekend, I was going to do something - and then it was raining and I decided to just sleep on Saturday, pretty much all day. So you'd think on Sunday I'd wake up early - but oh no, even though I went to bed at midnight Saturday, I didn't wake up until 1 pm on Sunday. I guess my body just really needed some rest.

Closing stuff is done. My office still needs to be cleaned but we'll get to that eventually. My keys are all nicely sorted into envelopes and are ready for the Fall. I'm lucky this year because my residence hall won't be used over the summer, which means I don't have to deal with turning over keys to conference services and then getting them back and having to sort through all that again. That would not be fun!

We've had quite a few day-long or half-day conferences/institutes/meetings. That's made time go by quite quickly. Today, I had to present a workshop - it went alright even though it could have gone so much better...but considering the circumstances.... It was just a mess! The theme and description had been decided before I was asked to present - then various presenters kept being added, which just increased the confusion and mess - and in the end, I was the one putting everything together yesterday. But hey, I guess I learned my lesson - I have to be a lot more careful what I volunteer for around here. Or maybe I should just stop volunteering. Wow, I'm seriously frustrated right now, huh? Haha. It's seriously time for me to get out of here. Some days, stupid things like presentation or departmental drama just kill my spirit and then I wish I could just quit everything.

Dear me, those past few entries have been pretty dark. I guess it's just the closing blues....


So let's focus on some of the good things that happened recently. Before we closed I had some great conversations these students. You know those random moments when you are procrastinating from Closing Tasks and they need a study break....
I'm going to lunch with one of my future residents on Thursday. That'll be fun. How nice is it when students actually want to see you even over the summer? ;)

I've also started working out again. I realized that I'm in the worst shape ever...I went running the other day and after 15 minutes I almost collapsed. Not okay. So now I'm on this ridiculous going-running-twice-a-day trip (in the morning and at night). I've made it for three days so far. We'll see how long it lasts. I'm thinking about cutting back to once-a-day working out; that seems a bit more reasonable, right?

I'm also trying this new not-eating-ice-cream-every-day diet. Yup, ice cream is my weakness but I want to cut down to once or twice a week. And let me tell you - that's not an easy thing for me. Maybe that's the reason for my recent grumpiness...LoL.

Anyway, it's time to get back to watching Dancing With The Stars - The Result Show. I'm rooting for Chelsea and Mark, in case you're wondering. How could I not? I love Disney and Chelsea's a Disney Star - and then there's Mark, who comes up with the most amazing and creative choreographies. I think Derek Hough's dance style would match mine more, but Mark would definitely be a partner who'd challenge me more to step outside my box. Okay, I've seriously spent too much time thinking about this.

Take care!

Not a good night!

It's Friday night. We close Sunday at 7 pm and let me tell you, Sunday can't get here quickly enough.

Closing started off pretty quietly, a continuous flow of check-outs with some peak times that led to lines outside our office but nothing too bad. As I mentioned earlier, I'm pretty much done with all the paperwork, so I just need them to move out, so I can add the last few paragraphs about closing to my transition report, complete the damage and missing keys documents and then I'm really done.

I got my summer assignments today and it really shouldn't be a very stressful summer. I have a feeling I'm actually going to have quite a lot of time on my hands, which may get me into trouble ecause I tend to start new projects during that time. Or maybe I can just be smart and plan things for the Fall, so next Fall won't be as crazy. We'll see....

So all in all, I was in a pretty good mood. And then tonight happened. We have Saturday exams here and let's be honest, having an exam on Saturday simply SUCKS. There's no better way of saying it. Half of your friends have already moved out, almost everyone else is out celebrating - and here you are, stuck in the building studying as if your life depended on it (because a lot of those exams tomorrow aren't in the easiest classes). If I was one of those students, I'm sure I'd be in a pretty bad mood right now. But if all that wasn't bad enough, now you have to deal with inconsiderate other residents who are loud, playing music, yelling in the hallway, throwing parties in their room with way too many people in much too small of a space....

No wonder the duty phone has been ringing quite frequently tonight and the callers have sounded pretty frustrated. And so I've spent my evening running up and down stairs, documenting incidents, calling the police once because I smelled marihuana, unpropping exit doors and doing late check-outs.

And I'm just SOOOOO tired. I want to end the year on a good note - because in spite of everything it's been a good year and I've had a great group of residents - but it's the stupid little things like everything that happened tonight that just build up and at this point of the year I'm just ready to be done with it all. I usually have quite a lot of patience (when it comes to working with students; I have absolutely no patience when I want to see something change in our department...haha), but at this point of the semester students should really be on their best behavior because it's not the time to mess with me. ;)

Closing

Five more days and we close. :)

New RAs will often comment on how "creepy" it is to be in such a big building by yourself, but honestly, I LOVE IT!!! It's not that I don't love my residents. Just tonight I was leaving the office at 10 pm and ran into two students who were sitting in the Lobby. I stopped to talk for a while and ended up staying until 11 pm. I know there are quite a few residents that I will miss terribly this summer. But let's be honest, it will also be absolutely wonderful to have the building to myself! I can't wait for the quiet, being able to come and go at any time and knowing that I won't run into someone who may need something and stop me with a question. Never having to worry that maybe you yourself are being too loud and breaking quiet hours. Knowing that you can't get called randomly to respond to an incident. Ahhh, I can't wait! ;)

So far, this week has been pretty much the typical closing week. I'm usually pretty good at keeping up with paperwork - for example the majority of my transition report has been written for a while - so closing doesn't tend to be that busy and I actually spend quite a lot of time in the office working on random things that really aren't that important. One of the things on my to-do list (I need something to keep me focused or I'll just start daydreaming) is looking through my files on my computer and organize those better. When things like that are on your to-do list, you have to be pretty bored. ;) Haha.

Don't get me wrong - there are things I could do. I want to revise the syllabus for one of our first-year courses for one of my learning communities. I also am in the process of writing a syllabus for a learning community leaders class. I could probably start thinking about things I can prepare for the Fall. But there's just nothing pressing, which is kinda nice and then also kinda strange and unnerving. Nevertheless I manage to stay in the office until 10 pm - what is wrong with me? But then again, that's normal for me - especially around this time of the year. You always just feel like you should be around, even though there really isn't that much to do but it's closing and closing is supposed to be a big deal, right?

Getting close to the end...

There's only three more days of classes left, then finals, then closing and then we're DONE. The end is so close...but yet still so far away. Closing meetings are happening right now; I need to make closing bulletin boards that will go up on the floors - there are end of the semester celebrations for staff and students and all the closing tasks.

My office has turned into a storage room lately. It started with the Invisible Children Challenge, more specifically the books for the bookdrive. I finally got the boxes, so I can start packing those up and mail them to Better World Books. But yes, right now there are 500 books sitting in my office. In front of that are the boxes with t-shirts. We have this tradition here that each Spring each Area Council makes t-shirts for the area. Fortunately, they started handing those out today, so those boxes should be disappearing soon. And then there are the Finals Snacks - leftovers from our April program that had low attendance due to the freezing cold weather. So yeah, it's kind of hard to walk in my office right now and I feel embarassed whenever someone comes by for a meeting. I finally at least cleaned off my desk today - I was avoiding doing RA Evaluations, which means I now need to do those tomorrow morning. I was also going to get some kind of gift / token of appreciation for our Global Council members. Their end of the year celebration is tonight at 10 pm in my apartment and I don't have snacks nor gifts and I barely managed to get around to cleaning my place, so there's enough space for everyone to sit and a somewhat clean carpets. On a side note, carpet floors are seriously a pain to clean. I mean, maybe I just have a crappy vaccuum but neither mine nor the one from the RA office can really get the hair and other little things out of the carpet. One day, when I'll have my own place, I won't nice wooden floors - and yes, I'll maybe put a rug on it but I won't have the entire floor carpeted.

Anyway, .... What was I talking about?

It's been a long semester - in some ways - and in others it's flown by and hasn't been long enough. I feel like I haven't had the chance to take a breath since January. It's also been quite the challenging semester. I'm used to doing things on my own, "me against the world" style, but somehow this semester it really got to me and I started feeling pretty lonely. It just felt like I was always fighting alone. The Invisible Children Challenge went alright, but the whole time I felt like I was just struggling myself to keep above water. I longingely remembered last time when two of my RAs stepped up and helped out, even though they weren't even required to help with the program - they had my back and I knew I didn't have to do it alone. This time, it felt like whenever things weren't going the way I wanted them to, I was in it alone without even someone to vent to. Last year, Service Splash caused quite a lot of drama but I knew I could rely on my best friend and fellow co-worker to be there in it with me and when I was ready to freak out, he was there to make sure things were taken care of or to help me just talk through and figure out things.

I think that's been the toughest thing this year - not having someone to talk to. I vented a couple times to a friend, who is not in Student Affairs; but I feel like she started getting annoyed and questioning if this was the right job for me and at times I felt like she was trying to convince me to change my career. But that's just stupid; I mean, yes, there are days when I get frustrated and I need to vent / there are days when I'm just exhausted and draines, but seriously, I couldn't see myself doing anything else and there are more days I love love love my job than days when I'm frustrated. And even when I'm frustrated, I still - in the end - love my job. I just sometimes need to get some of that frustration out and I think she got a bit more of that than she could handle because she was the only one around. To make a long story short, I stopped venting to her. But there also isn't anyone I talk to regularly enough on the phone that I could use them as my support system. And writing e-mails? It's just not the same. And so I've just kind of been dealing with all myself and it's made me feel pretty damn lonely.

I also think this Spring it really hit me what it means to live so far away from your family. I always thought that if something happened and my family needed help - or I needed them - I would be able to be there. I thought by now I'd have all the immigration issues figured out. Instead, I'm still living in this weird state of not knowing what will happen after my visa expires - not being able to go home whenever I want - not knowing what to do. I love my job and I've created a life for me here; I don't want to give that up. But I may not have a choice.

The other day I was thinnking that I'd love to be a regional advisor for our region of NACURH (the National Association of College and University Residence Halls). But that's a three-year commitment. I don't know if I have three years left here.

I want to plan things for my future, but I'm not sure I have a future here. I always feel like everything is just so temporary... And I think that's sometimes why I close myself off from everyone; I mean what's the point when I know that in the end I may have to leave anyway.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe in a few weeks the world will look a little brighter again. Less than two weeks left....

Students First

In every student leadership position, we tell our students, "you are a student first" and "academics come first." But what doe sthat really mean?

I think many of us (supervisors, administrators) mean that we will support your studies and try to be flexible to work around those. We'll talk with you about your academics and help you figure out a plan to manage your time or refer you to appropriate resoruces. If you have a very stressful week and you ask for an extension on a deadline, we'll try to grant it (if possible) or we may even jump in and help with something (e.g. I usually cover one or two duty nights during Finals Week because I know that's a busy time for my staff).

But I think "being students first" means something different to some of our students. I sometimes get the impression that they expect that the excuse "I need to study" will get them out of any job duty. And I'm sorry but I just don't think that's realistic. Yes, you are a student first, but you also signed up for that job and having a job means that you need to get the job done. Will I try to be flexible? Of course! Am I willing to help out once in a while? Sure. But in the end, the job needs to get done and maybe being a student first means that if you can't manage both, you need to give up the job or leadership role.

April is being...well, April

It's 1 am and I'm still in the office. Yup, my life is pathetic. But it was just one of those days. It started off with a "thrilling" session of state mandated sexual harassment training - oh those "fun" things we get to do our first year. I really think ResLife should be exempt from some of those trainings - I mean, we had to do a diversity one that was basically a simplified version of what we train our RAs on. But hey, it's state mandated, so what can you do...

The day continued with a "lovely" but oh-so-pointless meeting with one of my learning community partners, who is leaving by the end of the year - so why are we still meeting to talk about things that we both know we'll never agree on. Today's topic was our learning communities lounge. Our students ahve been arguing about whether it's a quiet study lounge or a lounge for socializing. They asked me to make a decision. I told them I wouldn't but we could have a meeting to talk about it. Yeah, it would have been easier to just send out an e-mail and say, "This is the rule" but let's be honest, how developmental would that be? And the truth is, there is no rule. The lounge "used" be more of a social space. We do a decent number of programs in there. But when there aren't programs, I really don't have a preference what the lounge is used for - that's up to the students, so they need to come up with a decision.
The underlying tension is that there's one learning community that used to have the lounge to itself for the past few years. This year, they have to share with another learning community, one that's a lot smaller. I've been fighting the students' sense of entitlement - and honestly, it actually hasn't been too difficult and many of them have agreed that they should be sharing that lounge - but some of our learning community partners are worse than the students when it comes to their sense of entitlement. So once today the response I got was that I should be telling those other learning community students that this isn't a quiet study lounge and that they can't change the purpose of the lounge. Sigh.

After that, I had several student meetings, back to back. "Fortunately" I got stood up by two students, who had a conduct meeting with me (who also told me last week that they would do "anything" if I just dropped the case...hmmm, not showing up to your meeting isn't exactly doing "anything") - but that at least gave me the time to get ready for my evening of meetings. That evening started with a get-together with the staff for next year, which was really fun. We only got through about half of my agenda, but they had some good questions and we had a good conversation. That was followed by a student organization meeting and then the "epic" lounge meeting - where only representatives from one side showed up, so it was a pretty basic discussion. But it was still 10:30 pm by the time I made it back to the office, which was really the first time during the day I had to read and respond to e-mails, get some things organized and attempt to figure out how I will make it through tomorrow (particularly tomorrow from 7:30-8 pm because I'm supposed to be at three places at once for that half hour).

But hey, we're more than half-way through April and May...well, May will be a different story. ;)

Policy Enforcement

Students' logic amazes me sometimes. If I find you passed out in a lounge, you don't respond when I try to wake you and the next day you don't remember what happened, how can you tell me that you are okay and it wasn't a big deal? What it someone else had found you? What if nobody had found you? What if you had passed out somewhere else?

I've had quite a few meetings with students regarding policy violations lately and of course, the common response is, "I didn't know." My grad suggested starting off next year with all the bulletin boards having information about policies and possible consequences, but I don't really like that idea - it'd create such a negative atmosphere right from the start - as if we were out to get students. There has to be a better way to educate residents about policies. And let's be honest - the students, who come to those meetings because they have violated policies, are rarely the ones that read our bulletin boards or attend floor meetings. And I think it's a good lesson for a student to learn - not knowing the policy doesn't let you get away with things. In the "real world," you can't kill someone and then say, "Oh sorry, didn't realize it was against the law." Okay, extreme example, but you get my point....

In the end, I think the best we can do is make the information available to students, remind them occasionally through e-mails or a bulletin board (one, not all) about certain policies, and create an atmosphere where they feel comfortable coming to you with questions. And then we need to make sure our staff knows the policies and enforces them consistently, so that - if a student violates a policy - we can at least have that educational conversation (and yes, there will most likely be some consequences).

But yeah, staff knowing those policies!?! - that can be a tough one in itself. I've had a few situations this year where my own RAs violated policy and then used the "Oh-I-didn't-know" excuse. YOU ARE AN RA!!! I realize students don't read our policies, but I would expect that you did...or at least paid attention when we talked about the main ones during training and/or staff meetings.

And let's not even talk about consistent enforcement....

But hey, only four more weeks left. It'll be a busy four weeks and I'm sure our policy enforcement skills will be put to the test, but in the end we'll make it through and hopefully we, as well as our students, will learn something from this whole experience.

Welcome to April!

When I was a kid, I used to love April. My birthday is in April. The weather is usually getting a little bit better and it's getting warmer - you can feel the excitement and energy of Spring in April. In Austria, the Easter Holidays are usually in April, which meant a week + of vacation, traveling and quality time with my family. April was simply AWESOME!!!

But these days, April is NOT my favorite month. By April, I'm usually just ready for the semester to be over. All those little issues with your staff that have been annoying you all year long suddenly are very tough to handle. Everything that didn't work out the way you wanted to that year is building up and you're just ready for a fresh start with a new group of students, a new group of staff members and new energy and enthusiasm. The staff is also tired and stressed, busy with getting ready for finals and planning last events for their student organizations. Students have set routines and are stressed as well and therefore unlikely to come to events and programs. April is the month of banquets (which sounds fun but after a while is just a lot of extra time); April is the month of weekends where you have to work; April is the month where you are so close to the end of the acadmeic year but there's still so much left to do.

If the rest of the month will be similar to April 1, it's going to be a tough month. I came back from ACPA Wednesday, March 30th, in the evening and went straight to the office and then a student organization meeting. Thursday, March 31, I tried to catch up on work but wasn't very successful as I was constantly being interrupted. In the evening, I was supposed to pick up a friend/the headliner for our Invisible Children Benefit Concert on April 1 - the drive was about an hour. I was going to leave around 9 pm, but then things happened and I ended up talking to a student and finally it was ridiculously late. It was also snowing like crazy outside; I could barely see where I was driving. And I didn't get there until about midnight and that's when April 1, a day that could give me nightmares, started. I didn't get back home until about 2 am, then still needed to take care of a few things for work and then finally crashed. I woke up early to get to the office, started off with some important phone calls and then settled down to do the things that should have been done the day before. Meetings with students in between, trying to catch up on the most important e-mails (at one point, my inbox was at 150 e-mails...yikes!!!) and the day was flying by. I still had to create sign-sheets and other materials for the concert, figure out what I was going to say and which videos to show and and and. But every time I settled down to do that, a student stopped by or my phone rang. Then, at 4 pm, as I'm finally trying to put the last finishing touches on my concert prep, I get a phone call about a roommate conflict in an area I'm covering (because the Hall Director is out of town). So I met with the two students, trying to figure out what had been happening in this roommate conflict that has been going on for weeks and that another staff member had been dealing with. Finally I thought I had a solution for the weekend, so I sent the students on their way. One of them was still super upset, so I gave her my cell so she could call in case of an emergency this weekend. I know, not a smart choice, but I didn't know what else to do and needed to get her to stop crying so I could get off the phone and focus on all the other things I needed to do.

At 7:15 pm, I was throwing the last things in the bag I was taking with me and was about to head up to my apartment to get our headliner and drive over to the concert venue - when, of course, my phone rang. It was the father of the students involved in the roommate conflict and there were new issues. I told my Assistant Hall Director to get the musicans over to the venue and start setting up and then I ran out the door to deal with this situation. About 20 minutes later, everything was settled and I ran over to the venue myself. While running I called several people to catch them up on the situation. I showed up at the venue, breathless, exhausted and stressed. We set up and got ready. At first things seemed to be working out. But then the tech guys were having issues getting the sound for the videos to work. They also didn't know much about the soundboard they were supposed to be working with, which frustrated our musicians. To make a long story short, we started not the 15-minutes late that I had planned in (to allow for people to get there) but 35-minutes late. And because the computer couldn't play sound, I couldn't even play some music while people were sitting there waiting. I was so frustrated. We also didn't have the turnout I was hoping for. We had about 50 people; not bad but just not what I was hoping for and in a venue set up for 180 people, it looked a bit miserable. And I mean, my last Invisible Children Challenge, I had over 100 people at the event and that was at a smaller school. But we had more teams back then and more excited staff members working on the event. I don't think I did a good job at getting our staff involved and excited this year. I struggled with recruiting teams and then we just didn't get a chance to advertise as much for the event than I did last time around. It's also harder here to advertise because regulations about what you can do on campus are strict - so no poster-trees or Africa-shaped banners. :( We had also planned on tabling outside the Student Union the last two days before the concert but then the weather messed with those plans. Sigh. Oh well, next year, we'll be back - bigger and better! :) Some of my students, who were there, told me that they really enjoyed the event - which I guess is what's most important. And now we've done it here once and we know what some of the problems are that we need to work around next time. But yes, April 1 was definitely not my day. Let's hope the rest of the month goes better (even though I'm not feeling too confident right now).

B'More in Baltimore

How can you challenge yourself to "be more" when you don't even know how to "be"?

My grandmother passed away Tuesday and I don't know how to get through this. I wish I could be home with my family - trying to support them and having their support, being with people who get it. Instead I'm stuck here. I can't leave the country on such short notice because of immigration stuff (well, I could leave...but then I wouldn't be able to get back into the country for several weeks if not a month).

I struggle being around people. It's exhausting to keep it together, to act normal, to smile. I hear myself talking but it's not me. I hear myself laughing but it feels hollow. Everything can trigger me these days - someone asking how I'm doing, a speaker mentioning the word "family", someone talking about "mentors" and the people who have helped us get where we are today.

I know some people think I don't care about my family because I've put an entire ocean between us. But if there's one thing I've learned this past week is that it's easy to be away from your family when you know they're doing alright and when you know you can see them again some time. But when you know you'll never get to hug your grandma again, never get to sit in the kitchen and chat with her while she's cooking or doing the dishes (and insists that you really don't need to help), never have her tell you again how amazing you are....

I wanted to go home this winter break but I couldn't - because of immigration stuff. I hated it, but I figured, if I work winter break, at least I'll be able to take some more time off in the summer and then be home for a little longer. I never thought it'd be too late.

I always told myself that I'd figure out this visa stuff soon and then I'd be able to go home whenever I needed to, that I'd be able to be there for my family when they needed me. But I failed.

Sometimes I wonder - if I could go back, would I do this again? Would I choose to leave my family and get invested in a profession that doesn't really exist in my home country - therefore making it impossible to do what I want to do and be close to home? If I'd never known what Student Affairs was, I couldn't have fallen in love with it....

We talk about globalization and giving our students a more international experience. But what we don't tell them is that if they leave their country and find a job somewhere else, they will spend a lifetime struggling with immigration issues - they will never truly fit into the country they've moved to because they'll always be the immigrant, the foreigner - but they also won't fit into their old world anymore because they will have changed too much - so in the end, they'll be alone and misunderstood wherever they go. And when it really counts - when you need your family and they need you - you'll be stuck far away in a foreign country all by yourself....

Thoughts on a quiet night of duty

I may have jinxed myself by writing that title. But then again, people told me on Thursday that I was jinxing myself when everyone insisted that this weekend would be bad (the first "warmer" weekend and students are back from Spring Break) and I insisted that it wouldn't be. I replied that it's not jinxing myself, it's positive thinking. If I believe enough that everything will be fine this weekend than it will be, right? So far it's been working. Thursday and Friday were surprisingly quiet weekend night and tonight, Saturday, I've only had two calls with questions so far - nothing I had to actually respond to. So let's keep our fingers crossed that it will stay quiet.

It's after Spring Break, which means the "endspurt" of the year has begun. After Spring Break, the semester always just seems to rush by. There is so much going on that you barely get a chance to breathe.

I've been really struggling with balancing my time lately. I think I do a pretty good job at completing all my job responsibilities plus working on one big project. But when I have several projects, it gets a little overwhelming. There's my Invisible Children event that's been going on for over a month now and of course I'm behind in updating the Web site with teams' points and touching base with team leaders to see how things are going. Then there's our RHA, who successfully bid to host a conference - which is so exciting and amazing but also means a ton of more work for me. And then there's my lovely learning communities that have lately been giving me a headache. The student leaders in those communities are great and while they have been taking up a lot of my work, I enjoy every moment I'm spending with them. But then there are also the staff working with it. I'm just getting really frustrated at not being kept in the loop. I'm trying to make plans for next semester, but the only way I find out about staff decisions that have been made for next year is through my students and rumors. It just makes planning so tough. *Sigh.

I am super excited for next year though. I think we've put together a great team of RAs. And I know we'll have a strong group of leaders on the Executive Board of our Learning Community Council (Elections are on April 6) - and then we're also adding a Learning Community Leader position and the students that have expressed interest in applying so far are going to be outstanding. I think, overall, there will just be a lot more excitement and activity in our building and I'm really looking forward to that.

Well, it's 1 AM, so I should probably leave the office and go home - where, most likely, I'll be watching TV and making more buttons for Invisible Children. And tomorrow I really need to update the team rankings on the Web site. And there goes my weekend...

But hey, at least in a week, I'll be at the ACPA Conference, which - yes - is still work but at least I'll get out of here for a little while and I'll get to talk to some other people. :)

Spring Break

It's Thursday of Spring Break. I decided to stick around for break to save some vacation days for the summer and I thought it'd be a good time to catch up on some of the work I hadn't gotten around to lately. LoL - that just never happens for me. ;) The first three days have been a whirlwind of trying to help RHA get ready for their conference bid. But today has finally been a more-relaxed day. For one, I'm back in my apartment for lunch and am watching TV while writing this; that never happens during the regular school year. I still have a decent amount of stuff to do though: finish a newsletter for ACPA, sort through my e-mail (I went from 3 to 110 to 43...my goal is to get back to 3 by the end of today). I also have to prep some stuff for our Invisible Children Concert, follow up with the various Invisible Children teams and then there was the whole goal of getting ahead with some work. We'll see if that happens. I only got one and a half days left.

Everyone has been telling me that I should take some time off over Spring Break and part of me really really wants to just relax and sleep in and read, but I know I'd just be sitting around thinking about all the work I need to do. It's probably better if I just take time off over the summer; it'll be easier not to think about work when students aren't around and I don't feel the pressure of upcoming projects and events.

Students say the darnest things

I've been getting kind of frustrated with my learning communities. I feel like there isn't enough "learning" going on but I don't feel like I have the freedom to make that learning happen. I'm afraid certain staff members will see it as me overstepping my boundaries, if I truly take charge of events, get faculty involved and make decisions for the future of the community. At the same time, if I don't do anything, nothing happens and it's like the students don't even live in a learning community anymore - except for the occasional Walmart trip (is that really a LEARNING community event?) and a weekly message with announcements (half of which I submit).

We have a student organization that is connected to the learning community but has become a fully registered student organization with our student government, and therefore is now open to all students. I've been the advisor for the organization and they're the only ones who've been doing things for the learning community this year. And they've been absolutely amazing. But it's the Spring semester, the middle of Spring semester, and questions about elections and next Fall and the future of the organization are coming up. Which also brings up questions about the future of the learning community? Questions I can't answer. And questions that bring up other good questions. ;)

For example, one of the students asked tonight about the faculty director for next year. There used to be a faculty director and a graduate student supporting that faculty director. At the end of last year, the faculty director left, so this year, we only had the graduate student; which meant I had to get more involved. Now, they are supposedly searching for a faculty director and I've heard that there are some candidates out there and that an offer may be made soon. So I told my students that there may be a new faculty director for next year but that I didn't know anything mroe specific. Which led the students to the next question - how the search for the faculty director works. I answered truthfully that I'm not really sure; I know which office oversees it but that's about it. And that led to the final and best question of the evening: "Why aren't you involved in that search?"

Hmm, yeah, good question!!!

I know the faculty director is supposed to be in charge of the community and as a Hall Director I'm supposed to be supporting them. But that still means that I'll be spending a lot of time with that person and will have to work closely with them, so shouldn't I at least be part of the search process? Even if I don't get a say in it, it'd be nice to be kept more up-to-date.

People always assume that I want to "take over" things or that I'm on some sort of power trip. But honestly, I just want to be included and know what's going on - especially with things that affect me. I want a faculty director that I can talk to, with whom I can plan things, split up responsibilities - so it isn't the faculty director doing one thing and me and my RAs doing something else and nobody knowing what's really going on and everyone working against each other instead of together. I want us to be on the same page, have similar goals.

I love that we typically have strong faculty support here; and in my other learning community we really do. But in my other learning community, the faculty also talks to me and we plan things together or they tell me what they're planning and I add to it. Or I organize and plan the event (because sometimes that's easier for me to do) and then they actually go on it and interact with the students.

I'm rambling, but this has just been so frustrating. And it's tough when the students are picking up on it now and are asking the questions I've been asking myself for months.

Ironic

It's kind of ironic that my last entrance was titled "balance" because these last few days have been the most hectic all year and balance has been the furthest from my mind.

Saturday, I actually did do something for myself. I met up with a friend from back home. But then Sunday morning I had to leave to come back and meet with RHA as well as host a candidate for our grad program here. Monday morning we had interviews for the grad program starting at 8 am; as soon as I got done, I came back to the building and was in meetings with RAs and students for the rest of the afternoon followed by an RHA meeting, another meeting with an RA and then our weekly movie night. I got back to my apartment around 9:30 pm and that's when I started looking through RA applicants and proofreading RHA's Conference bid. I went to bed at 3 am and got up again at 9 am. A day of meetings followed, some an hour, some half an hour - all immediately following the next one. I was running late all day and I just didn't seem to be able to catch up. Lunch meetings, a program over dinner, then meetings and programs in the evening. In between I raced to the store to pick up a pizza for one of my RAs for a program. And now, it's about midnight and I've finally made it back to my apartment. I should be reviewing RA files because we select on Friday and I haven't even gotten through half the files yet. Tomorrow, I start at 8 am and don't end until 10 pm - with hardly any breaks/time to read files.

Sigh.

I can't wait for this week to be over. All I want to do is SLEEP. ;) But at the same time, I wouldn't want it to be any different. No matter how stressed I was today, I had some AWESOME conversations with residents. I saw my students work hard and strive to do their best. I saw the student organizations I work with take it to the next level. And that's what it's all about, right?

Balance

I can't believe we have only one week and a couple of days left until Spring Break. I'm looking forward to Spring Break, even though I'm not taking any time off (I'm trying to save vacation days for the summer). But that week will give me a chance to catch up on some work, get ahead on some other things and be able to leave the office at a reasonable time. It'd be nice to get back home around 5 or 6 pm. Usually, I don't get back home until 10 or 11 pm - sometimes even later than that. There are just too many meetings and events at night. But the thing is, those are the things that are fun.

My supervisor recently did my 6-month evaluation and, not very surprisingly, she commented on how I need to work on balance. I mean, she's right. I don't really have balance. I had all these plans at the beginning of the year - I was thinking about dance lessons or voice lessons or joining a choir or something like that; and then I just got busy. First semester, I was teaching our learning community class Monday evening, Tuesday evenings I had RHA, Area Council and Global Council meetings, Wednesdays we had staff meeting, and Thursdays I had some evening office hours and that was also usually the night we had programs and when the Invisible Children organization met. At the beginning of this semester, I wanted to limit the evenings when I have to work. At first things looked pretty promising. I wanted to work Tuesday and Wednesday nights and have Mondays and Thursdays to myself; but somehow that just didn't work. First, Area Council decided to change their meeting day to Thursdays. The RHA bid team meets Monday evenings. There are programs, random meetings and and and.

So then I decided not to start working until noon, since I was usually out and about that late. Sometimes that works out. But then there are days when we have morning meetings. Or sometimes I just can't fit all the meetings with students and colleagues into the evening, so I myself decide to schedule a meeting in the morning. Sigh. But it's definitely gotten a little better; there are days I sleep in until 10 am or even 11 am - not often, but even once a week is pretty amazing. :)

After getting my evaluation, I took some time to look at my schedule to see if there was anything I could cut. But the tough part is that the things I could potentially cut, are the ones that I like the most - like Global Council meetings or some of the programs my students have been organizing and helping RHA with their bid. Those are the things that don't even feel like work but are simply FUN.

And my students have been pretty damn amazing lately. Global Council made our student newspaper twice within the last week. They've pulled together some pretty awesome events with very little direction. Two of them are planning our End of the Year Banquet and they've been going way above and beyond expectations - from the beautiful invitations to planning to make awesome decorations. It's going to be a wonderful banquet.

I should probably still try to have a bit more balance in my life - maybe by actually following through on some of the plans I had - but it's hard to say no to students and it's even harder to say no when working with them is so much fun!

From undergrad to grad to professional

Interview days for our grad program are coming up and as always that's gotten me to start thinking about the transitions we go through - from undergrad to grad and then to being a professional staff member. And what can we, as supervisors, do to help our students make that transitions?

I sometimes see students start a graduate program and continue to live like an undergraduate. Their habits, what they do in their free time - nothing changes much.
I've also seen new professionals start that first job and do the same thing - continue to go out and socialize as they did as a grad student, possibly similar to what they did as an undergraduate.

But shouldn't there be a difference?

As an undergraduate, I was a student leader - but I still did "stupid" undergraduate things. You could often find me at the bar with my friends. I didn't drink - not really for any deep, meaningful reason; I just don't really like the taste - but I was there and quite often, you could find me dancing on the table or acting silly. Yes, I tried to be a role model and the few times I did drink, I made sure not to get drunk and act irresponsible - I also tried to look out for my friends when I was out with them and made sure nobody else ended up in the hospital or drove home drunk. And yes, many weekends I was also busy with student leader type things and was working late or catching up on homework; and I often had more fun just hanging out in the RA office than I did when we went out (a lot less drama and way more comfortable clothes...haha). But like I said, I was out there - doing the "college thing".
I was also an RA - and as an RA, I was close with many of my residents. Yes, there was a line but it was pretty blurry.

Then I became a graduate student. I don't think I ever consciously changed my behavior; I just became the overinvolved, super busy graduate student that didn't have time to go out and engage in that type of behavior. And I didn't really miss it.
I once again was close with many students and that line was still pretty blurry - especially considering how close I was with many of them.

And then my first few years as a professional - I struggled, trying to make friends but not willing to engage in certain behaviors and attend certain outings. And for the first time, I was really consciously making the choice not to attend some of these events. I'm not sure when I made that decision - but I just had this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach / I guess I just knew it wasn't a smart thing to do. And the few times I let my colleagues drag me out to the bars, something always happened to make me remember why I don't like to be there. Like a highly intoxicated underage resident stopping me on the street to ask me academic advising questions; and while I was trying to get the student to move on for now and come to my office the next day, I also had to worry about my colleagues giggling and clearly showing that they were just as intoxicated.
I also struggled with going out with graduate students. How can I sit there and get drunk with you and then tomorrow "supervise" you and write your evaluation? If it had been a question of going out to eat and having a beer or some sort of drink with the meal, that'd be one thing - but we all know in the American bar scene, the alcohol isn't part of the experience - it's the main focus of the experience.
However, choosing not to go out often made me feel isolated and I didn't develop close friendships with colleagues. And so I found my social outlet somewhere else - in my building, with my staff. Which of course let to a whole other set of questions regarding the line between my RAs and me and things became more than just blurry. I was fortunate though because I had some amazing RAs, who could handle hanging out and watching movies with me one night but still respect me as their supervisor and take good feedback the next day.

So what does it mean to be professional? There is no guidebook; there aren't any rules. Every professional would probably give you a different answer. But I think it's important that we think about these things - think about what "acting professionally" means to us and then make those decisions consciously and based on our values and believes, rather than just stumble through them.

And I think, as we work with our graduate students, we need to find ways to get them to think about these topics and figure out what it means for them to be a professional - or at least to start figuring it out (because I'm afraid it's one of those topics you'll have to keep thinking about throughout your entire career).

Student organizations & Thank You's

I've been going to the meetings of the Invisible Children organization on campus all year, since we are collaborating on my weekend program. This entire time, I haven't seen their advisor once. Occasionally I've wanted to step in and say something - as an advisor - but I've tried to restrain myself. I didn't want to fall into the role of an advisor. But I've slowly had the suspicion that one day, they would ask me to be their advisor - and I didn't know what I would say.
And here's the funny part: I voiced that suspicion to a colleague and just a few hours later, at an Invisible Children Meeting, they asked me if I would consider being their advisor. And I didn't know what to say. It wouldn't be until next year. And it's not that I don't want to - I'd love to - but I also have a lot of other things on my plate and I'm already advising an Area Council and our Global Council and I'd love to maybe advise RHA or NRHH again next year because I miss working with those student groups.

Talking about RHA, I've been getting a little more involved with them as well. They're thinking about hosting a regional conference next Fall and are right now in the middle of preparing their bid. And since I have some experience in bidding for conferences from undergrad, I offered my help. And now I'm going to weekly bid team meetings and I love it. I've missed being involved with RHA. And I love conferences! But I worry about stepping on the toes of the RHA advisors. And I wonder how much that will take over my life if they get the bid - or "when" they get the bid (they don't like it when I say "if"). ;)

It's weird though - I've been feeling oddly appreciated lately and I'm just not used to it. :) Invisible Children told me that they appreciate all I do and that's why they want me to be their advisor. RHA members have thanked me for helping out with preparing the bid. Recently I sent out e-mails to all the students, who had a great GPA last semester or who improved their GPA, to congratulate them; I also sent out e-mails to those who didn't do so well and offered help. And I've gotten quite a few e-mails back thanking me for caring.

I never know what to do with thank-you's. I appreciate them and they make me feel good :) - but I guess I just don't know what to say. And I feel a little weird because shouldn't it be "normal" that I care - not just because I'm a Hall Director but because I'm a human being and we should all care about each other.

Snow Days Suck!

We've had WAYYYYY too many snow days this semester already. We started off with a snow day - so much for that first day of classes (a Tuesday). The second week, we had a snow day on Thursday. And then this week, we had Tuesday and Wednesday off.

Snow Days were great when you were a student - they aren't all that exciting now that I'm a staff member. When I wake up in the morning and see that e-mail telling me that it's a snow day, a tiny part of me still cheers. I'm not sure why - maybe it's just because we've been socialized to think that snow days are awesome; or it's the memories of being excited about snow days. But for me, a snow day doesn't change much. Hall Directors are emergency personnel. So I still have to go to the office. Meetings with residents of the building still take place. Maybe a few meetings with other offices and our central staff are cancelled, but that doesn't significantly free up my schedule; especially not this week that's been crammed with RA Interviews and preparing for programs. And honestly, not having those meetings is sometimes way more frustrating than it'd be to lose the time that the meeting would take up.

I feel pretty disconnected from the rest of campus and the central office because I haven't had a one-on-one with my supervisor in a while and now we are not having our staff meeting tomorrow. I also have a list of offices that I really need to talk to but haven't been able to because they've been closed.

On Tuesday, we had our Invisible Children Challenge Kick-off event (in spite of the snow day) and attendance was somewhat limited because of the weather. And then I started getting all these e-mails from students who were interested in coming but couldn't make it because of the snow. And it's AWESOME that they are interested in the Challenge, but this means I now have to organize another Kick-off Event - and for that I have to reserve a room in the Student Union, which means I need the Reservations Office to be open, so I can contact them, and it also means more work for me.

Snow days also mean that our students are hanging out and are getting bored. Some of them are "just bored" and they've been coming down to hang out in the office or have been going through my personal DVD collection; those are "the good ones." The others have decided to use the extra free time to make a lot of noise - before and after quiet hours - have parties and get drunk. We've had serious increases in policy violations on and around the snow days. This is NOT how I wanted to start the semester off. Soon I'll have had more violations in these first few weeks than I had all last semester.

So let's all keep our fingers crossed that this was it for snow days!

Invisible Children - I'm starting to get nervous

Those of you who've followed my blog for a while or actually know me in real life know that 2009 marked the year of the first Invisible Children Challenge - and it was EPIC (to use a typical "Invisible Children" word...seriously, just watch some of the live feeds and videos...they say EPIC every two seconds...haha).

I'm trying to re-create that magic this Spring by hosting my second and this University's first Invisible Children Challenge. We're asking students (student organizations, residence hall floors, area councils, etc.) to form teams that will compete to see how can be most successful in their awareness and fundraising campaigns. You can get points for showing the Invisible Children documentaries, organizing fundraisers and book drives and supporting campus-wide Invisible Children initiatives.

Oh, for those of you who aren't familiar with Invisible Children: it's an organization that tries to raise awareness about the longest running war in Africa and free Joseph Kony's child soldiers. (http://www.invisiblechildren.com)

But anyway; the Challenge is supposed to kick off on February 1 and then goes until April 1, where it'll end with the traditional Benefit Concert. And as Feb. 1 gets closer, I'm getting more and more nervous. So far, we've got two teams; well, at least there's two teams that I know about even though they still need to fill out the registration form. My goal is to get at least 10 teams. That's what we had last time. And yes, granted, last time, a lot of teams didn't form until half-way through the competition and about a month prior to the Benefit Concert, but still.... This waiting is driving me crazy. I just want to know that I'll have enough teams and that this event isn't going to flop. So I spent quite a bit of time this weekend sending individualized e-mails to student organizations (service and social justice organizations, club sports - since those have to do community service, and anyone else who's mission slightly relates to Africa or human rights); I managed to send 64 e-mails in the past 24 hours. So now it's back to waiting. Yikes. I'm not a very patient person...haha.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that we'll reach my goal of 10 teams; and preferably sooner rather than later.

Trying to be proactive

It's been an interesting week.

The residence hall opened on Sunday, but for some reason, some of our students showed up on Saturday and - for even less explanable reasons - their ID cards worked and so they got into the buidling and started moving back in. At first I was trying to figure out who was here but there were too many, so eventually I just gave up.

Sunday night was ridiculous in the building. I walked around taking pictures of RA's bulletin boards and name tags and I had to stop by a ton of rooms to ask them to quiet down. Maybe it was the excitement about being back; maybe the fact that we didn't have classes on Monday thanks to MLK Jr. Day - either way, it wasn't the way I wanted to start the semester. The week didn't improve much. Students throwing up in the bathroom, a bulletin board being vandalized, comments being made about RAs (after they tried to remind students of policies in the residence halls), and then last night we had quite a few documentations.

I spent all day today meeting with students; most of those meetings weren't in response to documentation but just focused on students on floors that I'm concerned about - proactive meetings. ;)

I tried to find a balance between "putting my foot down" but also giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to get them to "want" to respect the policies in the future. I don't believe into scaring students into abiding to policies; I don't think it works and that's now how I would want to be treated - so I won't treat students that way. Instead I tried to explain to them what my concerns were, made it clear that I wasn't accusing them or charging them with anyone but that I wanted their help in addressing these concerns. I guess we'll see if it works...

New shift for HDs?

Next year, new Hall Directors here are going to be asked to work a 12-8 pm shift (instead of the typical 9-5) and I think it's most brilliant idea EVER. And not just because I'm not a morning person - let's be honest, those hours in the office in the morning can be good to get some paperwork and other administrative tasks done but how many students do you really see before noon? If students are out, they are eating breakfast or are going to class. They don't want to hang out and socialize; they don't want to have a long conversation with their Hall Director about their college experience.

Now, my days usually start around 9-ish. (Our office is already pretty flexible with that and there are days I don't make it to the office until a little later.) I work on random things, have some 1:1's with RAs or go to meetings. Things tend to pick up around lunch, which is why I rarely make it to the apartment for lunch - usually it's more a throw-something-in-the-microwave-and-it-eat-in-the-office lunch. More meetings, 1:1's and some student interactions in the afternoon. depending on how starving I am and how long my night will be, there may be a dinner that resembles lunch or I may decide to wait until after I get done. And then, so around 6 pm, it feels like my day really starts. Student organization meetings, staff meetings, student interactions in the building, my office or at programs; roommate mediations rarely happen before 6 pm because for students it' just more convenient to do it after they get done with classes. I try to avoid having Community Standards meetings after hours but sometimes it's just not avoidable.

Mondays, right now, I usually get done around 8:30 pm - though now that Monday Movie Nights are starting up again, I may go to some of those, which would then extend my work day until 10 pm on Mondays. Tuesday, I never get done before 10 pm before at 6 pm I go to RHA meetings (every other week) and from 8:30-10 pm I have Area Council meetings. Wednesdays, it's staff meetings from 7-9 pm and then our Global Council meetings from 9 until we get done (usually around 10 pm). Thursdays, it could be 8 pm if there isn't a program (since I have office hours a little later on Thursday and then usually an Invisible Children meeting from 7-8 pm). And Fridays is really the only day I leave the office at 5 pm.

And when I get home late at night, it's not like I can just crash and go to bed. I just spent hours with students - high-energy - I need some time to calm down, relax, have some quality me-time before I'm ready for bed. And that means I rarely get to sleep before at least 1 if not 2 am. And then getting up at 8 am is simply torture. So yeah, later shifts - that would be HEAVEN and I really think more schools need to start doing this.

Islamophobic much?

Wow, it's really been a while since I last posted. But you know how it gets - professional staff training, then getting ready for the RAs to come back, then the RAs are here and you spend your days training them and your evenings preparing for more training sessions and then suddenly it's time for opening and you're running around, handing out keys, trying to memorize the names of as many new students as possible, answering questions of new exchange students until 11 pm, making plans for student organization executive board retreats and and and.

But that's not what I want to talk about now because I have something else I need to get off my chest. One of my friends recently posted this article from the Blaze on his Facebook Wall: http://www.theblaze.com/stories/report-eu-school-calendars-scrub-christian-holidays-keep-muslim-ones/
Now clearly, forgetting to include Christian holidays in the new EU calendar was a pretty dumb mistake. The tiny "evil" part of me thinks it may serve all these Christians right for feeling what every othe religion had to feel like for years when they were excluded in calendars; but that kind of thinking and behavior doesn't get us anywhere and so the "good" part of me strongly believes that if we include religious holidays, we should try to include ALL of them - or at least as many as possible and clearly not forget one of the dominant religions in the EU.

But that's all not really point. When I was reading this article, the one thing that really made me mad was how the fact that Muslim holidays were included was emphasized. Start with the headline: "Report: EU School Calendars Scrub Christian Holidays, Keep Muslim Ones" - no, WRONG! On so many levels. They didn't just keep Muslim ones - they kept Jewish, Hindu and Muslim ones. Why are we singling out Muslim ones?

And it's not just the headline. Here's how the article starts,"A new 2011-2012 school calendar for children published by a branch of the European Union has omitted references to Christian holidays but has kept its references to prominent Jewish, Hindu, and even Muslims holidays, according to a Catholic news outlet." Was it really necessary to write "...and even Muslim holidays."

Islamophobic much? Jeez, if you're angry that they forgot the Christian holidays, that's one thing - but then be angry that they forgot those and included all of the others. The last thing we need in this world is more hatred against Muslims. We got enough of that already.

What should my priorities be?

The new year has started and with it our professional staff training. The last few days have been filled with intense, heated debates. I like to challenge things and I like debates, but I often feel like we talk in circles and we get stuck on issues that are outside of our control. And that's gotten me thinking about what my priorities should be - what should be the things I'm going to fight for and I'm going to try to influence/change.

I want them to be things that I will actually be able to influence - and that should be within my control. I don't kid myself by thinking that I will change our Community Standards process, for example - I don't work in that office and while I am involved in this process and get to fill out lots of lovely paperwork for it, there are other professionals in that office who take care of all this and I trust that they know what they're doing...probably a lot better than me because I'm not a Community Standards person. ;)

I think I want to make Learning Communities one of the areas I focus on. I've kind of been thrown into Learning Communities anyway since one of the two in my building doesn't have a faculty director; I've had to help out with it more than what the involvement of a Hall Director would usually be and that's helped me get a pretty good understanding of Learning Communities here. I think we have some great things: more faculty involvement and leadership than I've seen at some other programs, an office that works with first-year programs and learning communities. But I think we're also lacking some important things: clear delineation of who is responsible for what in the Learning Community, a lot of confusion on staff's side (Hall Directors and RAs) about how they could support their Learning Community. And that's where I'd like to come in. I think we can improve the relationships that exist between the different players in the Learning Communities. I think we need to focus on planning things earlier and in more detail; then we could be more intentional and we could split up the work more effectively between the different players. I also think we can increase the student leadership within the communities. Some of the communities (my two included) have returning students that live in the community. We hope that these students will take on a leadership role in the community and help to carry on traditions. This happens sometimes, but at least in my communities I've seen more of my first-year students involved and the returners are just "there" - or they support programs and initiatives but not many are really spearheading anything. And I'm not blaming the students; I think we haven't set up systems and processes that allow them to take on leadership roles. Very few student leaders (especially at a sophomore level) will feel comfortable to take the initiative and just make things happen. But if we give them a title and some additional training, they'll be there and they'll make great things happen.

I've also been thinking about my involvement in student leadership, specifically the Residence Hall Association. This is the first year since I've started college that I haven't been either involved with RHA or NRHH. And I miss it. I haven't necessarily missed it as much as I thought; I've been too busy for that. And my learning community and other student organizations have taken up a lot of that time and provided me with that student leader contact; but when I think about it, I do really miss it. I'd love to be a little more involved next year. In the Fall, I've made a point of going to RHA meetings, partially to make sure I know what's going on and how things are done now (lots has changed from the days when I was the RHA advisor here), partially just to get to know the RHA executive board and start building relationships with them.

I'm still stuck on our programming model and how I think it could be improved. I just struggle with the fact that, if you asked me right now, I couldn't tell what we, as a department, want our students to learn from living in the residence halls. Yes, we want them to build relationships and learn how to build relationships and that's great and really important - but there should be more.... So yeah, haven't given up on that one yet.


****

I'm also, once again, going to try to make having a personal life a priority. It seems like every Spring semester, I try to do that. In the Fall, I just get too busy. And with having moved the past two years, there was too much to do with settling in and adjusting. I keep telling myself that once I stay in one area for longer, I'll manage to have a personal life even in the Fall. Wishful thinking? Ha. Maybe.

Anyway, I'm definitely planning a few weekend trips to visit friends. I just wish they lived a little closer. Buying all these plane tickets is going to get freakin' expensive. Not that I don't make enough money; but I have this thing for saving money. For what, I'm not sure. Lately I've been telling myself it's for my daughters' college fund. LoL. Just need to have those daughters first. And I know it'll be girls because I wouldn't know what to do if I had a son. He'd have to become a professional dancer, because if he starts talking about football and baseball I'll be lost. Haha.

Alright, it's time to crawl into bed, read for a little while and then call it a night. More training tomorrow.