How can you challenge yourself to "be more" when you don't even know how to "be"?
My grandmother passed away Tuesday and I don't know how to get through this. I wish I could be home with my family - trying to support them and having their support, being with people who get it. Instead I'm stuck here. I can't leave the country on such short notice because of immigration stuff (well, I could leave...but then I wouldn't be able to get back into the country for several weeks if not a month).
I struggle being around people. It's exhausting to keep it together, to act normal, to smile. I hear myself talking but it's not me. I hear myself laughing but it feels hollow. Everything can trigger me these days - someone asking how I'm doing, a speaker mentioning the word "family", someone talking about "mentors" and the people who have helped us get where we are today.
I know some people think I don't care about my family because I've put an entire ocean between us. But if there's one thing I've learned this past week is that it's easy to be away from your family when you know they're doing alright and when you know you can see them again some time. But when you know you'll never get to hug your grandma again, never get to sit in the kitchen and chat with her while she's cooking or doing the dishes (and insists that you really don't need to help), never have her tell you again how amazing you are....
I wanted to go home this winter break but I couldn't - because of immigration stuff. I hated it, but I figured, if I work winter break, at least I'll be able to take some more time off in the summer and then be home for a little longer. I never thought it'd be too late.
I always told myself that I'd figure out this visa stuff soon and then I'd be able to go home whenever I needed to, that I'd be able to be there for my family when they needed me. But I failed.
Sometimes I wonder - if I could go back, would I do this again? Would I choose to leave my family and get invested in a profession that doesn't really exist in my home country - therefore making it impossible to do what I want to do and be close to home? If I'd never known what Student Affairs was, I couldn't have fallen in love with it....
We talk about globalization and giving our students a more international experience. But what we don't tell them is that if they leave their country and find a job somewhere else, they will spend a lifetime struggling with immigration issues - they will never truly fit into the country they've moved to because they'll always be the immigrant, the foreigner - but they also won't fit into their old world anymore because they will have changed too much - so in the end, they'll be alone and misunderstood wherever they go. And when it really counts - when you need your family and they need you - you'll be stuck far away in a foreign country all by yourself....
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Thoughts on a quiet night of duty
I may have jinxed myself by writing that title. But then again, people told me on Thursday that I was jinxing myself when everyone insisted that this weekend would be bad (the first "warmer" weekend and students are back from Spring Break) and I insisted that it wouldn't be. I replied that it's not jinxing myself, it's positive thinking. If I believe enough that everything will be fine this weekend than it will be, right? So far it's been working. Thursday and Friday were surprisingly quiet weekend night and tonight, Saturday, I've only had two calls with questions so far - nothing I had to actually respond to. So let's keep our fingers crossed that it will stay quiet.
It's after Spring Break, which means the "endspurt" of the year has begun. After Spring Break, the semester always just seems to rush by. There is so much going on that you barely get a chance to breathe.
I've been really struggling with balancing my time lately. I think I do a pretty good job at completing all my job responsibilities plus working on one big project. But when I have several projects, it gets a little overwhelming. There's my Invisible Children event that's been going on for over a month now and of course I'm behind in updating the Web site with teams' points and touching base with team leaders to see how things are going. Then there's our RHA, who successfully bid to host a conference - which is so exciting and amazing but also means a ton of more work for me. And then there's my lovely learning communities that have lately been giving me a headache. The student leaders in those communities are great and while they have been taking up a lot of my work, I enjoy every moment I'm spending with them. But then there are also the staff working with it. I'm just getting really frustrated at not being kept in the loop. I'm trying to make plans for next semester, but the only way I find out about staff decisions that have been made for next year is through my students and rumors. It just makes planning so tough. *Sigh.
I am super excited for next year though. I think we've put together a great team of RAs. And I know we'll have a strong group of leaders on the Executive Board of our Learning Community Council (Elections are on April 6) - and then we're also adding a Learning Community Leader position and the students that have expressed interest in applying so far are going to be outstanding. I think, overall, there will just be a lot more excitement and activity in our building and I'm really looking forward to that.
Well, it's 1 AM, so I should probably leave the office and go home - where, most likely, I'll be watching TV and making more buttons for Invisible Children. And tomorrow I really need to update the team rankings on the Web site. And there goes my weekend...
But hey, at least in a week, I'll be at the ACPA Conference, which - yes - is still work but at least I'll get out of here for a little while and I'll get to talk to some other people. :)
It's after Spring Break, which means the "endspurt" of the year has begun. After Spring Break, the semester always just seems to rush by. There is so much going on that you barely get a chance to breathe.
I've been really struggling with balancing my time lately. I think I do a pretty good job at completing all my job responsibilities plus working on one big project. But when I have several projects, it gets a little overwhelming. There's my Invisible Children event that's been going on for over a month now and of course I'm behind in updating the Web site with teams' points and touching base with team leaders to see how things are going. Then there's our RHA, who successfully bid to host a conference - which is so exciting and amazing but also means a ton of more work for me. And then there's my lovely learning communities that have lately been giving me a headache. The student leaders in those communities are great and while they have been taking up a lot of my work, I enjoy every moment I'm spending with them. But then there are also the staff working with it. I'm just getting really frustrated at not being kept in the loop. I'm trying to make plans for next semester, but the only way I find out about staff decisions that have been made for next year is through my students and rumors. It just makes planning so tough. *Sigh.
I am super excited for next year though. I think we've put together a great team of RAs. And I know we'll have a strong group of leaders on the Executive Board of our Learning Community Council (Elections are on April 6) - and then we're also adding a Learning Community Leader position and the students that have expressed interest in applying so far are going to be outstanding. I think, overall, there will just be a lot more excitement and activity in our building and I'm really looking forward to that.
Well, it's 1 AM, so I should probably leave the office and go home - where, most likely, I'll be watching TV and making more buttons for Invisible Children. And tomorrow I really need to update the team rankings on the Web site. And there goes my weekend...
But hey, at least in a week, I'll be at the ACPA Conference, which - yes - is still work but at least I'll get out of here for a little while and I'll get to talk to some other people. :)
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Spring Break
It's Thursday of Spring Break. I decided to stick around for break to save some vacation days for the summer and I thought it'd be a good time to catch up on some of the work I hadn't gotten around to lately. LoL - that just never happens for me. ;) The first three days have been a whirlwind of trying to help RHA get ready for their conference bid. But today has finally been a more-relaxed day. For one, I'm back in my apartment for lunch and am watching TV while writing this; that never happens during the regular school year. I still have a decent amount of stuff to do though: finish a newsletter for ACPA, sort through my e-mail (I went from 3 to 110 to 43...my goal is to get back to 3 by the end of today). I also have to prep some stuff for our Invisible Children Concert, follow up with the various Invisible Children teams and then there was the whole goal of getting ahead with some work. We'll see if that happens. I only got one and a half days left.
Everyone has been telling me that I should take some time off over Spring Break and part of me really really wants to just relax and sleep in and read, but I know I'd just be sitting around thinking about all the work I need to do. It's probably better if I just take time off over the summer; it'll be easier not to think about work when students aren't around and I don't feel the pressure of upcoming projects and events.
Everyone has been telling me that I should take some time off over Spring Break and part of me really really wants to just relax and sleep in and read, but I know I'd just be sitting around thinking about all the work I need to do. It's probably better if I just take time off over the summer; it'll be easier not to think about work when students aren't around and I don't feel the pressure of upcoming projects and events.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Students say the darnest things
I've been getting kind of frustrated with my learning communities. I feel like there isn't enough "learning" going on but I don't feel like I have the freedom to make that learning happen. I'm afraid certain staff members will see it as me overstepping my boundaries, if I truly take charge of events, get faculty involved and make decisions for the future of the community. At the same time, if I don't do anything, nothing happens and it's like the students don't even live in a learning community anymore - except for the occasional Walmart trip (is that really a LEARNING community event?) and a weekly message with announcements (half of which I submit).
We have a student organization that is connected to the learning community but has become a fully registered student organization with our student government, and therefore is now open to all students. I've been the advisor for the organization and they're the only ones who've been doing things for the learning community this year. And they've been absolutely amazing. But it's the Spring semester, the middle of Spring semester, and questions about elections and next Fall and the future of the organization are coming up. Which also brings up questions about the future of the learning community? Questions I can't answer. And questions that bring up other good questions. ;)
For example, one of the students asked tonight about the faculty director for next year. There used to be a faculty director and a graduate student supporting that faculty director. At the end of last year, the faculty director left, so this year, we only had the graduate student; which meant I had to get more involved. Now, they are supposedly searching for a faculty director and I've heard that there are some candidates out there and that an offer may be made soon. So I told my students that there may be a new faculty director for next year but that I didn't know anything mroe specific. Which led the students to the next question - how the search for the faculty director works. I answered truthfully that I'm not really sure; I know which office oversees it but that's about it. And that led to the final and best question of the evening: "Why aren't you involved in that search?"
Hmm, yeah, good question!!!
I know the faculty director is supposed to be in charge of the community and as a Hall Director I'm supposed to be supporting them. But that still means that I'll be spending a lot of time with that person and will have to work closely with them, so shouldn't I at least be part of the search process? Even if I don't get a say in it, it'd be nice to be kept more up-to-date.
People always assume that I want to "take over" things or that I'm on some sort of power trip. But honestly, I just want to be included and know what's going on - especially with things that affect me. I want a faculty director that I can talk to, with whom I can plan things, split up responsibilities - so it isn't the faculty director doing one thing and me and my RAs doing something else and nobody knowing what's really going on and everyone working against each other instead of together. I want us to be on the same page, have similar goals.
I love that we typically have strong faculty support here; and in my other learning community we really do. But in my other learning community, the faculty also talks to me and we plan things together or they tell me what they're planning and I add to it. Or I organize and plan the event (because sometimes that's easier for me to do) and then they actually go on it and interact with the students.
I'm rambling, but this has just been so frustrating. And it's tough when the students are picking up on it now and are asking the questions I've been asking myself for months.
We have a student organization that is connected to the learning community but has become a fully registered student organization with our student government, and therefore is now open to all students. I've been the advisor for the organization and they're the only ones who've been doing things for the learning community this year. And they've been absolutely amazing. But it's the Spring semester, the middle of Spring semester, and questions about elections and next Fall and the future of the organization are coming up. Which also brings up questions about the future of the learning community? Questions I can't answer. And questions that bring up other good questions. ;)
For example, one of the students asked tonight about the faculty director for next year. There used to be a faculty director and a graduate student supporting that faculty director. At the end of last year, the faculty director left, so this year, we only had the graduate student; which meant I had to get more involved. Now, they are supposedly searching for a faculty director and I've heard that there are some candidates out there and that an offer may be made soon. So I told my students that there may be a new faculty director for next year but that I didn't know anything mroe specific. Which led the students to the next question - how the search for the faculty director works. I answered truthfully that I'm not really sure; I know which office oversees it but that's about it. And that led to the final and best question of the evening: "Why aren't you involved in that search?"
Hmm, yeah, good question!!!
I know the faculty director is supposed to be in charge of the community and as a Hall Director I'm supposed to be supporting them. But that still means that I'll be spending a lot of time with that person and will have to work closely with them, so shouldn't I at least be part of the search process? Even if I don't get a say in it, it'd be nice to be kept more up-to-date.
People always assume that I want to "take over" things or that I'm on some sort of power trip. But honestly, I just want to be included and know what's going on - especially with things that affect me. I want a faculty director that I can talk to, with whom I can plan things, split up responsibilities - so it isn't the faculty director doing one thing and me and my RAs doing something else and nobody knowing what's really going on and everyone working against each other instead of together. I want us to be on the same page, have similar goals.
I love that we typically have strong faculty support here; and in my other learning community we really do. But in my other learning community, the faculty also talks to me and we plan things together or they tell me what they're planning and I add to it. Or I organize and plan the event (because sometimes that's easier for me to do) and then they actually go on it and interact with the students.
I'm rambling, but this has just been so frustrating. And it's tough when the students are picking up on it now and are asking the questions I've been asking myself for months.
Ironic
It's kind of ironic that my last entrance was titled "balance" because these last few days have been the most hectic all year and balance has been the furthest from my mind.
Saturday, I actually did do something for myself. I met up with a friend from back home. But then Sunday morning I had to leave to come back and meet with RHA as well as host a candidate for our grad program here. Monday morning we had interviews for the grad program starting at 8 am; as soon as I got done, I came back to the building and was in meetings with RAs and students for the rest of the afternoon followed by an RHA meeting, another meeting with an RA and then our weekly movie night. I got back to my apartment around 9:30 pm and that's when I started looking through RA applicants and proofreading RHA's Conference bid. I went to bed at 3 am and got up again at 9 am. A day of meetings followed, some an hour, some half an hour - all immediately following the next one. I was running late all day and I just didn't seem to be able to catch up. Lunch meetings, a program over dinner, then meetings and programs in the evening. In between I raced to the store to pick up a pizza for one of my RAs for a program. And now, it's about midnight and I've finally made it back to my apartment. I should be reviewing RA files because we select on Friday and I haven't even gotten through half the files yet. Tomorrow, I start at 8 am and don't end until 10 pm - with hardly any breaks/time to read files.
Sigh.
I can't wait for this week to be over. All I want to do is SLEEP. ;) But at the same time, I wouldn't want it to be any different. No matter how stressed I was today, I had some AWESOME conversations with residents. I saw my students work hard and strive to do their best. I saw the student organizations I work with take it to the next level. And that's what it's all about, right?
Saturday, I actually did do something for myself. I met up with a friend from back home. But then Sunday morning I had to leave to come back and meet with RHA as well as host a candidate for our grad program here. Monday morning we had interviews for the grad program starting at 8 am; as soon as I got done, I came back to the building and was in meetings with RAs and students for the rest of the afternoon followed by an RHA meeting, another meeting with an RA and then our weekly movie night. I got back to my apartment around 9:30 pm and that's when I started looking through RA applicants and proofreading RHA's Conference bid. I went to bed at 3 am and got up again at 9 am. A day of meetings followed, some an hour, some half an hour - all immediately following the next one. I was running late all day and I just didn't seem to be able to catch up. Lunch meetings, a program over dinner, then meetings and programs in the evening. In between I raced to the store to pick up a pizza for one of my RAs for a program. And now, it's about midnight and I've finally made it back to my apartment. I should be reviewing RA files because we select on Friday and I haven't even gotten through half the files yet. Tomorrow, I start at 8 am and don't end until 10 pm - with hardly any breaks/time to read files.
Sigh.
I can't wait for this week to be over. All I want to do is SLEEP. ;) But at the same time, I wouldn't want it to be any different. No matter how stressed I was today, I had some AWESOME conversations with residents. I saw my students work hard and strive to do their best. I saw the student organizations I work with take it to the next level. And that's what it's all about, right?
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